It's been a rough week, to be honest. Nothing really terrible or anything, just rough.
Monday was the first day of preschool. That was an unmitigated disaster, but nothing that couldn't and didn't get fixed. The mechanics got my bus going eventually (it wouldn't start, so I took a spare bus for the first run of the day), and we shifted some of the kids from my bus to the other bus so that I wasn't going to always show up to the school twenty-five minutes late because I had too many kids on my route. Once we sorted out those issues, the rest of the preschool week went just fine.
The problem is that this fatigue from which I suffer (I don't like to say "my fatigue" because qualifying it as mine and not as an unnatural state of being somehow seems to me like I'm owning it and accepting it as a normal thing) has taken a sharp turn for the worse. Where I was tired and worn out before, I can now barely do anything even somewhat energetic without suffering physically debilitating consequences.
The problem with fatigue isn't just that it makes physical effort so much more difficult. The other problem is that it messes with your head so much. It decreases my cognitive abilities--I can literally feel myself getting more and more dumb! I've also noticed that I'm somewhat unconsciously prioritizing my expenditures of physical energy, so plenty of things aren't getting done because I have placed them lower on the hierarchy when it comes time to spend my finite and limited energy.
I'm going to see a doctor. I have seen doctors before, back when the fatigue wasn't nearly this bad, and all of them have told me the tests are all normal and that I'm probably depressed and that I should take anti-depressants. That's a load of crock, and it's why I'm so reluctant to see a doctor. If I'm depressed, it's because of the underlying physical issue, and when that is fixed, this weary brain of mine will also find some relief; but I don't think taking an anti-depressant is going to do anything to solve anything at this point.
Based on my extensive research, I believe I have adrenal fatigue--and that it's just amped up into serious adrenal fatigue. That's not a generally medically recognized condition at this point, but there are doctors who are beginning to recognize it. And there are things I can do--and have done! I won't give up yet.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm so very, very tired, but I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm fighting that loud, critical voice in my head that keeps telling me how thoroughly I'm failing at everything. I'm frustrated that I'm not smart enough to figure this out and that, even if I do, I'm too tired to make all the effort it takes to get better. I'm possibly looking for another, less strenuous job, even though I love those preschool kids and get along fine with my new bus attendant, Reuben. But I have a wonderful family who support and love me, and I am constantly blessed by the Lord, and if I can see and appreciate those things, I can still find hope.
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