Monday, March 22, 2010


Ooooh. I've got some things to say about this Healthcare Bill. I've been just stewing about it all day. While I don't have time to write the full 50-page essay entitled, "Why This Bill Stinks," let me just cut the suspense you feel in awaiting my opinion by saying,


Don't worry. I have a blog post draft saved on the subject, but I'm very incoherent right now. I have to order my thoughts, but I have to wait until I've made dinner and attended to the sick children littering the house, moaning and complaining about sore throats and fevers and ear infections. Sheesh. Suck it up!

(I'm kidding, of course. My poor kids. If it's not the flu, it's Strep Throat and ear infections and asthma emergencies. Who knew moving 45 miles could make you so sick? I'm just lucky I have been able to stay healthy and take care of them, the little darlings, who are about to be sent letters stating that the truant officers have been called because of all the missed days of school.)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Only Two Easy Payments of $19.99!

Because I have had thousands of emails recently from people asking about my skincare routine, I have decided to tell you what I do to keep myself looking 25.

That was a test. Did you catch all my mistakes?

Firstly, you never start a sentence with "because." Why? Because those grammarians never think outside the box, that's why! And then they force the rest of us to follow their little rules in order to get paid. Jerks.

Secondly, I exaggerated slightly about the number of emails. I have never actually had any emails asking about my skincare routine. I believe I forced someone to listen to it once, though.

Thirdly, as much as I would LOOOOVE to look 25 and keep the mental age and wisdom of 38, I simply do not. Look 25, that is. I am certainly very wise, however. (that was also a test. What was wrong with the last sentence?)

But what the heck? For lack of anyone telling me not to, I will reveal to you my skincare routine.

I try to base my entire routine on this theme: "What do I have in the kitchen that isn't going to cost me an arm and a leg and may possibly finally stop these stupid, stupid little zits that still pop up on my decidedly UN-teenager face?" It's a long theme, but I liked it enough to cross stitch it and stick it to my refrigerator. (another test! if you know me well enough, you know that cross stitch is on my list of things influenced by the devil.)

Therefore, here is what I have found works for me:
Removing Eye Makeup: vegetable shortening. Follow with a Face Wash to remove the raccoon look the shortening will give you.
Face Wash: 2 tsp. glycerin (Walmart carries liquid glycerin in the pharmacy), 2 tsp cornstarch, 1/2 cup water; whisk together in small pot and heat until glycerin is melted enough to mix with cornstarch and water. Do not boil. Cool and place in really stylish sour cream container with a cottage cheese container lid. (Alternatively, if I can afford it, I love the Isagenix Isaderm Facial Wash. (Phase 1))
Face Scrub: 1 tsp cornmeal with a little milk. Exfoliate once or twice a week, if you remember.
Moisturizing Facial: 1 or 2 tsp plain yogurt. Slather on your face (do NOT avoid eye and mouth areas) and let it sit until you've watched an entire episode of The Simpsons on Hulu. If you've seen all the new episodes, play Spider Solitaire until you win three games. You could do something more useful, of course, but if you're pampering your face, take a minute and waste out, for goodness' sake. Wash off with warm water.

Also, I make sure I drink lots of hard water (we've got the hardest water in the country right here! Mmmmm. Tastes so good. When I move, I can feel the scale rubbing around in my intestines), eat the occasional fruit, and try not to become an absolute pig when my in-laws come to town with three suitcases full of English chocolate and treats. I said I try.

That's it! Easy peasy! I'm thinking about creating some sort of infomercial.