Dr. Aurora on Parenting

I've had a multitude of questions from my adoring fans out there. I try to take time out every now and then from my busy schedule of writing scintillating blog posts and answer a few of them so you can get an even better picture of the incredible vision that is moi. That's just how I roll.

Question #1: "Your kids are pretty nearly perfect, as far as I can tell. What is it like to be able to brag about your children and not only not make everyone start to hate your children vicariously, but to nod in serious agreement to everything you say?"
~hahanotreally, California

Answer: It's something I take great, but humble, pride in, thank you. Yesterday, Husband and I were able to get out and grab lunch and a movie and we only got two calls from home. The first was during lunch, and it was from Gabrielle about Elannah. Apparently, those darlings had had some sort of minor disagreement, and Elannah had dumped an entire container of hot chocolate powder on Gabrielle, after which Gabrielle chased Elannah out into the backyard and threatened her very life. Elannah grabbed the phone and said she was going to call the police, but Gabrielle brilliantly snatched it away. Elannah, quick as she is, ran back into the house and closed and locked the back door, causing Gabrielle, after a brief interlude of pounding on the glass, to attempt a trek around and through the side gate, which is hard to unlock unless you're eight feel tall, and to the front door, which Elannah had already had the foresight to lock. It was at this point that I got the phone call (which came two seconds after a phone call in which we learned that a dear friend of ours had just been diagnosed with acute hepatitis) from Gabrielle. I calmly instructed her to proceed to the front door and ring the bell over and over and over until someone answered it. The phone, which had not been recharged in a couple days (what is that maid thinking?? It's so hard to find good help anymore), started beeping that it was low on power. Fortunately, the doorbell ruse worked and Gabrielle was once again admitted into the family manor, whereupon I asked to speak to Elannah. After a quiet, logical discussion about the processes by which we go about settling our differences, and how Elannah would need to go to her room to reflect upon her actions(and Gabrielle would get the same treatment after Husband and I had arrived home and made sure that the boys were still alive and well), the phone must have suddenly shut off because there is no WAY Elannah would have hung up on her mother.

The second call came during the movie. Oops. It's not my fault if they don't show some sort of slide before the movie starts about turning off cell phones. This time it was Elannah phoning in an inquiry about what to do about Sophia's promise to beat her to death over something or other. Ha ha ha ha. Girls are just so carefree and light when it comes to using words as weapons. I reminded Elannah that I had had to run out during the movie (by this time she had digressed and was asking about some chocolate popsicles in the freezer and seemed ready to carry on a lengthy and detailed treatise about nothing in particular) and that if she could remain intact for the next 40 minutes, I would come home and take care of everything.

We fielded no more calls during the remainder of our date and arrived home to find not really that much blood spilled and Little Gary completely naked, as per his determination that small boys turning three should never, ever have any clothing on despite being dressed several times a day in order to horribly embarrass his sisters and their friends.

I really hate to brag, but you can obviously see that I should write a book about parenting techniques.