Today I had a long list of to-dos to get ready for Christmas. I even got a couple of them done--the really important ones, fortunately.
The food has been purchased. I was also going to steam the British Christmas pudding I made, but working on the second important item distracted me so much that I never got around to it. Now I'll have to do it tomorrow. No matter. Tomorrow will not be very stressful in the food department as we've selected a variety of easy dishes to make. Unlike what happened at Thanksgiving, I won't be spending a solid five hours in the kitchen getting a meal prepared (with way too many leftovers). I'll use the slow cooker for the beans and mix up the potatoes in the morning to be popped in the oven for dinner in the evening. The ham only needs to be heated through, and the turkey breast is small and won't need a long cooking time. Easy. The rest of the food is being brought by others.
A long (long, long) time ago, I typed up copies of all the letters my mother had sent to me when I went to college and then on my mission. She wrote long and detailed letters about what was happening at home, which really helped me feel connected to my family. Today, I finally did a bit of formatting and then printed them all out and had them bound. It's very, very basic, but it was a way to get it done in time.
I am SO EXCITED to see the look on her face when she realizes what this is: 112 pages of what was, essentially, her diary, since she was so detailed about day-to-day happenings. There are even a couple very short letters from my dad, who is not a letter writer but whose letters were always hilarious. It's going to be AWESOME! I'll let you know how she reacts. Now that this part is done, I'll play more with the formatting and add some pictures and get the finished product printed into book form. I also found a few typos I missed as I read through the pages while I was supposed to be working on other things. I plan on making multiple copies of the book so that I can keep some for my siblings, my kids, and their children. I'll write a better, more thorough forward and include more details about my mom and dad and the ages of my siblings during the time period my mom wrote these letters, which were from August 1990 - May 1994. You know, back in the days when you had to send letters on paper with stamps. How archaic.
We got a book of piano music for my dad: Ola Gjielo's Night album, which I own and love playing myself. The pieces are not difficult, but Gjeilo just has this way of making simple melodies sound beautifully complex. Dad's going to love it. I have mentioned that my dad plays at nearly a concert pianist level, haven't I? I grew up listening to him play all the classics, and every time I play those pieces (with a lot less finesse, of course), I have memories of him sitting at the piano, lost in his music. When I was young, I used to dance to his playing. He loved that. I'm really excited to share this album with him, which I know he'll appreciate.
Yeah, we got the kids some presents. Something little that they'll each like. They have many, many Christmases ahead; but my parents aren't getting any younger, so I'm really excited to see their reactions.
Hello, my loyal flock of spambots. I know you've been worried about my silence, but I am happy to inform you that I have not succumbed to the Rona. Not even a sniffle.
In recent news, my grandmother passed away about a month ago (not of Covid! She died of heart failure due to her very advanced age), but she died at home with my mother by her side; so while we will miss Grandma, we are all very glad that she was with family all the way until the end. We couldn't have a funeral, but Grandma's body was shipped to a Minnesota cemetery where she was interred in the family plot her father bought nearly a century ago. Next spring or summer, we'll gather for a memorial service to celebrate the spunky, mischievous, talented, loving woman that she was.
For we mortals left behind, life continues. It is both exciting and mundane, stressful and joyful. As always. My mother, who was my grandmother's caretaker, and who is, herself, in her 70s, developed shingles about a week after Grandma's death--probably due to all the stress she has been under. Poor woman. She was a saint with her mother's increasing physical and mental needs, and she is also the executor of her mother's estate, so she has been dealing with doctors and insurance companies for years as well as sorting out all the things that happen upon a person's death. She now has to deal with how Grandma's trust fund is divided amongst the beneficiaries (she and her sisters as well as my Grandma's second husband's two daughters), and I know she is very anxious that everyone involved is satisfied that it has all been conducted in an up-front, fair, and legal manner. My mother is an exceedingly honest person. All this and she is still grieving, of course. She confided to me how hard this has been for her. I love my grandma, but I don't think I will truly understand what it feels like until my own mother passes away, and just the thought makes me want to cry. My relationship with my mother has come a long way since I was a screaming, selfish teenager. She's my best friend. She has been an excellent example to me my whole life.
Anyway, (sniff), I'm not writing my mother's eulogy yet because she's still very much alive, and I just spoke to her on the phone and told her that I love her, so let's move on, shall we?
Here's some good news: Sophia and Matt are engaged!
The happy couple plan on getting married May 21st. Sophia already found and booked the venue she wants, so now we're collecting a pile of Pinterest ideas for DIY wedding decor. The venue is beautiful, and this makes me very happy because we won't be attempting to turn a church gym into a springtime wonderland or a tented garden or something, which is an exceedingly time-consuming and arduous task. The very thought exhausts me. Sophia wants elegance, but she is not a diva, so I think I will survive this wedding. I'm not getting any younger. I have one more daughter to marry off after Sophia, and then the boys will have future fiancees who will plan most of their weddings for them, I'm sure. I'm almost out of the woods here.
My parents and siblings and my children (with spouses, a grandchild, and a fiancé) are all coming to our house on Christmas. Happy day! We told everyone to not worry about presents (although we're getting small gifts for each person) and that we just want to focus on having a wonderful day together. We'll have brisket and ham and funeral potatoes (it's a Utah thing, and they are delicious--especially when I stir a packet of dry Ranch dressing mix into them) and cowboy beans and red mung (our traditional family holiday jello salad) and rolls, plus all the snacks and desserts that will show up. We'll play games and I'll play with my adorable, perfect grandson, and it will be grand. I am so looking forward to this. Nothing better mess it up! I didn't get my crowd at Thanksgiving (Gabrielle had Covid, and my parents were newly dealing with Grandma's death), and having them all here is the only Christmas present I need.
YouTube and Google (and, thus, Alphabet), arbiter of what is and isn't acceptable "free" speech, took down Dr. Fuellmich's English-version video that I had embedded into one of my latest posts.
Fortunately, in this video interview with Patrick Bet-David, posted on November 13, 2020, on the Valuetainment YouTube channel, Dr. Fuellmich revisits all the points he made in the last video and gives even more detail about what led him to create the committee to do the investigative job the German government should have done (and, of course, the investigative job the American federal and state governments should have done) and to bring a lawsuit to halt the dangerous lockdowns that are killing the economy and far more people than this coronavirus ever will.
WATCH IT NOW BEFORE YOUTUBE TAKES THIS ONE DOWN! I had to put this in a link rather than embedding the video. Oddly (or not), no matter what search I try (using the Blogger video finder) in order to find and embed this video here, I can't find the video. I tested finding other, non-controversial videos, like one I have used to learn the feather stitch for crochet, and those popped right up; but even if I put the exact title of the video plus the YouTube channel name, or even if I just put the YouTube channel name and search through all the videos that pop up from that channel, I can't find this particular video. It doesn't show up using any keywords, either. Go figure. I might just be incompetent (and I'm also not using a VPN, which might be making a huge difference), but it seems to me that if I can find other videos, I should be able to find this one, too. Somehow, however, it just won't show up. I did download this video onto my hard drive, but it's too large for Blogger to upload it.
This is not conspiracy theory. This is fact. This is conspiracy fact. There are people who are making and stand to make heaps and heaps of money from this farce and who will amass far more power than they had before. They do not care about you and your loved ones or your community. Screw Fauci and Gates! They both have a financial and power interest in creating fear and forcing vaccines, along with dozens of other individuals and corporations.
I'm officially into the last year of my 40s. Gosh. I remember when I turned 21 and my friend, Mark, wailed, "We're halfway to 42!" and the two of us sat and thought about how old 42 was. Well, that boat has long since sailed.
I didn't tell my co-workers my birthday was coming up. I didn't want a fuss. If I worked with a bunch of women, I would have said something a few days beforehand, because if you don't, the women (if they like you) will feel guilty about somehow not knowing it beforehand and maybe a little angry that you didn't say something earlier because now they feel obligated to get you something (a cake? a card? a bouquet of flowers?) and they have to do it in a rush, which might also bring up feelings of resentment (if they don't like you). Being a woman is an emotionally complex thing.
I work with men, however. I said to Husband, "You're a guy, so tell me: if I just show up with some cheesecake and announce it's my birthday, they'll be fine with that, right?" He said, "Heck yeah!" So that's what I did: cheesecake with cherry topping, and they all thanked me for being born as I served out festive slices of dessert on paper plates. We had an enjoyable lunch break, and no one felt guilty about not buying me presents I don't need.
In other news, a very sad thing happened the other day to my fledgling garden.
A young man knocked on my door and asked if he could do any chores for some cash. I had $6 in my wallet, so I told him he could weed the planting bed under the tree, which is where my carefully tended herbs have thrived. I stepped outside, barefoot, to show him what I wanted done, and I forgot that the little pathway by the planting bed is absolutely littered with goatheads, which are the plants God was talking about when he told Adam and Eve, when they were getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden, that noxious weeds would now grow in the earth to make his life harder.
Evil incarnate, plant version
What I meant to say was, "This is rosemary, this is sage, and this is mint. Do not pull those. Everything else [and it wasn't very much] needs to go."
What I actually said was, "This is rosemary, this is--YARGH! Oh my gosh! I'm in so much pain right now. Stupid goatheads! I've got a million of them in my feet. Ouch!" After which combination of screeching and muttering while I pulled all the little beggers out of my skin, I hobbled like an old woman back into the house to get the kid the weeding gloves.
I gave the kid the gloves without further pointing out that the plants I had emphasized were not to be pulled. Instead, he thought I had pointed them out as the first plants to be yanked, which he did after I left him alone.
A moment of silence for my poor herbs, please. Thank you.
He did get paid. He did a good job weeding. Too good, of course.
As dismayed as I am about the overreaction to Covid, there are some good things that have come out of it.
For one, my extended family never would have become clued into Zoom, and now we have regular meetings so everyone can see my grandmother, who is bed-ridden and on hospice. Some of the family strains and hurts that developed over the decades between my mother and her sisters are quickly healing as they realize they have more beliefs in common than they originally thought.
Another good thing is that I've been able to reconnect to my sister, Adeal.
Adeal is the youngest of my two sisters and the fourth child of the six of us. She's had a hard life, and for many years, she wanted nothing to do with any of us unless we were willing to give her money. She has changed a great deal in the past five or six years, and now our relationship is growing strong again.
Adeal drowned when she was just one year old. It was a horrible accident, and, fortunately, she was revived and suffered no permanent injuries from the drowning. Someday soon, I'll go into detail about the near death experience that she had when she drowned. It is a profound story. Adeal says that even though she was so very young when it happened, she still feels the indescribable love and sense of being home like it happened just a moment ago.
When Adeal was five (and I remember this day very well), she was doing gymnastics in our living room. She was doing a backbend, but she had her face on the floor. This caused a blood vessel to pop in the back of her neck, and she ended up in the hospital with a brain hemorrhage. The doctors told us that the behavior center of her brain had been damaged, and that damage was obvious from the first day. Where Adeal had formerly been the sweetest little girl you could ever hope to meet, she was now an enraged harpy who flew off the handle at a moment's notice. We got used to the new normal, which was that you could never tell what was going to set her off. We walked on eggshells around her after that.
Unfortunately, though those of us who were older than Adeal knew what had happened, we never thought to talk about it with Adeal as she got older. It just never occurred to us that she didn't remember having that accident when she was five--or knew about the physical changes that had happened to her brain--and we got so in the habit of trying to never trigger her to fly completely off the handle (her tantrums were legendary and spectacular) that we were careful what subjects we brought up. Because of that, Adeal grew up wondering why she was so angry all the time and why she couldn't seem to control her anger like normal people. She developed deeply ingrained thought habits of self-loathing even though that sweet, caring, giving soul was still intact inside her. When my mother mentioned the accident to Adeal when Adeal was in her teens, it was both relieving for her to realize that she wasn't simply an inherently flawed individual and enraging because no one had told her about it when she was younger.
When she was in her early twenties, Adeal latched onto the first boy who paid attention to her, and he, unfortunately, was dealing with his own mental illness. He blamed her for everything bad that happened to him (which was a lot because he is emotionally stunted and no one could stand him, even his own family), and she accepted the blame because she thought she deserved it. He convinced her that we all hated her and despised her, and she believed him and spat in our faces. If we weren't willing to give them money, they wanted nothing to do with us.
Adeal and JP spent the next twelve years being mostly homeless and miserable. To add to the emotional abuse, JP physically assaulted Adeal, and even though she left him twice, she went back both times within a matter of days. She still bears the pain from one of those assaults, which has caused permanent damage to her neck and spine. She can't work, and she has days when she can't even get out of bed.
In 2012, Adeal began to do some deep meditation, and it finally occurred to her that she deserved love and kindness. At that time, JP had somehow become concussed (I can't remember how--probably someone punched him, because even I wanted to punch him all the time and I am not a violent person), but he was sleeping a lot, and this gave her time to really think. They now owned a little dog, who was Adeal's favorite "person" in the world, and Adeal poured all of her love onto this dog, who returned it in spades. (Still does. He's adorable, and his name is Stewie.) Having such a sweet, innocent being love her so fiercely sparked the idea in Adeal that maybe she was worthy of and deserving of love. When JP treated Stewie poorly, she began to wonder about the way he was treating her and began questioning whether or not she was actually to blame for all of his hardships.
JP qualified for medical marijuana and started using it all the time, which mellowed him. Adeal asked if he wanted to go on a healing journey with her. He declined. So she finally left him for good and moved across the country to get as far away as possible and start a new life.
I've talked to Adeal twice this week. It has been a joyful thing for me, and my joy comes from seeing Adeal finally accept herself as a worthy person deserving of love and kindness. That sweet, giving, caring soul that she has always been has been set free. She's shedding the guilt and shame and the self-loathing that she has clung to for nearly 40 years. She's changing the way she thinks, becoming conscious of and halting the negative thought spirals that used to be habits. We have had some amazing conversations. Despite her physical pain, Adeal feels hope and excitement about her life.
From my personal photo album. This is one of the very, very few photos of Adeal as a baby that still exist, as most of the family photos were tragically lost in a house-moving incident that still makes my mother's blood boil to this day. In this photo, Adeal is two or three years old and I am probably around nine.
I'm not sure we would have re-connected quite so well had this Covid thing not happened. So, for that, I am grateful. God can take even the darkest of times and create beauty and joy.
The high school and the seminary where I work went to the "online learning model" for the next two weeks, meaning that all students will be doing their learning 100% online and not coming into the buildings.
Last Wednesday and Thursday, I was kept busy producing seating charts for the high school for the purpose of contact tracing, and I fielded call after call from parents excusing their students for voluntary or compelled quarantine. Fortunately, we'd been anticipating something like this happening since before school actually started, so we at the seminary are in a good position to have students take their seminary classes online. All the work I've been doing to get kids into their online classes has really paid off. At least 98% of the over 700 students we have are able to access their Canvas seminary classes.
The utter travesty is that all of this is based on absolute bunk.
All of this is a farce. All of it is meant to produce fear. All of this is meant to produce profits and power for a small, select group of people and economic devastation, dependance, and serfdom for the vast majority of the world's population. I know most people think I'm crazy to say that, but if you are convinced that this is real, then you are not doing your research. You are not looking deeper. You are not listening to the doctors and scientists and investigative journalists who are defying and rebutting the media narrative with credible, scientific evidence that this is all a lie and is causing far, far more harm than good. Yes, there is something that is affecting a small group of the population, but the vast, vast majority of people are not going to get sick or, if they do, they are going to recover nicely. The removal of our fundamental rights is criminal.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a war on the human population. What is happening are literal crimes against humanity.
This video is long but it contains vital facts and evidence that people need to know about this farce. Dr. Fuellmich, a licensed trial lawyer in both Germany and the United States, lays out the major class action lawsuit he is preparing against the perpetrators of this crime. This guy is not some small-time lawyer hoping for fame and recognition. He has won cases of fraud and deception against Deutsche Bank, VW, and Kuehne & Nagel, the largest shipping company in the world. Listen to this video while driving, if you need to. Listen to it while you eat. Sit and listen to it. This might be the most eye-opening information you'll get that the MSM and politicians will never tell you. Most people have never heard any of this information.
Whether this class action will actually go anywhere is the question. But the evidence Dr. Fuellmich and his team have collected is impressive in scope. It is absolutely infuriating that all of this is being completely ignored by politicians and the complicit media.
In case this video gets taken down by YouTube, I am also including part of the transcript below, which I have edited for clarity and punctuation. I have also taken the liberty of adding some of my own emphasis and some bolded headings so you can easily find the information you are interested in.
Why This Should be Called a Corona Scandal, Not a Corona Crisis
"All the above mentioned cases of corruption and fraud committed by the German corporations pale in comparison in view of the extent of the damage that the Corona crisis has caused and continues to cause. This Corona crisis, according to all we know today, must be renamed a Corona scandal, and those responsible for it must be criminally prosecuted and sued for civil law damages...
"And for this reason I will now explain to you how and where an international network of lawyers will argue this biggest tort case ever, the Corona Fraud Scandal, which has, meanwhile, unfolded into probably the greatest Crime against Humanity ever committed. The anti-corona measures, whose only bases are the PCR test results, which are, in turn, all based on the Drosten Test, have, in the meantime, caused the loss of innumerable human lives and have destroyed the economic existence of countless companies and individuals worldwide.
"Summary of the facts as they present themselves today:
"1. What happened in May 2019--and then in early 2020--and what happened 12 years earlier with the swine flu?
"In May of 2019, the stronger one of the two parties which govern Germany as a grand coalition, the CDU [Christian Democratic Union], held a congress on Global Health, apparently at the instigation of important players from the pharmaceutical industry and the tech industry. At this congress, the usual suspects (you might say) gave their speeches. Angela Merkel was there, and the German secretary of health, Jens Spahn. But some other people, whom one would not necessarily expect to be present at such a gathering, were also there: Professor Drosten, virologist from the Charité hospital of Berlin; Professor Wieler, veterinarian and head of the RKI [the German equivalent of the CDC]; as well as Mr. Tedros, philosopher and head of the WHO.
"Also present and giving speeches were the chief lobbyist of the world's two largest health funds, namely the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and the Wellcome Trust. Less than a year later, these very people called the shots in the proclamation of the worldwide Corona pandemic, made sure that mass PCR tests were used to prove mass infections with Covid 19 all over the world; and are now pushing for vaccines to be invented and sold worldwide. These infections--or, rather, the positive test results that the PCR test delivered--in turn became the justification for worldwide lockdowns, social distancing, and mandatory face masks.
Definition of Pandemic Changed by the WHO Just Before the SARS Epidemic 12 Years Ago
"It is important to note at this point that the definition of a pandemic was changed 12 years earlier [by the WHO]. Until then, pandemic was considered to be a disease that spread worldwide and which led to many serious illnesses and deaths. Suddenly, for reasons never explained, it was supposed to be a worldwide disease only. Many serious illnesses and many deaths were not required anymore to announce a pandemic.
"Due to this change, the WHO, which is closely intertwined with the global pharmaceutical industry, was able to declare the swine flu pandemic in 2009, with the result that vaccines were produced and sold worldwide on the basis of contracts that have been kept secret until today. These vaccines proved to be completely unnecessary because the swine flu finally turned out to be a mild flu and never became the horrific plague that the pharmaceutical industry and its affiliated universities kept announcing it would turn into, with millions of deaths certain to happen if people did not get vaccinated.
The Dangers of the SARS Vaccines and the Rise of the Notorious Dr. Drosten in 2008-09
"These vaccines led to serious health problems: about 700 children in Europe fell incurably ill with narcolepsy and are now forever severely disabled.
"The vaccines bought with millions of tax payer's money had to be destroyed with even more tax payers' money. Already then, during the swine flu, the German virologist Drosten was one of those who stirred up panic in the population, repeating over and over again that the swine flu would claim many hundreds of thousands--even millions--of deaths all over the world.
"In the end, it was mainly thanks to Dr. Wolfgang Wodarg and his efforts as a member of the German Bundestag (and also a member of the Council of Europe) that this hoax was brought to an end before it could lead to even more serious consequences.
Germany Locked Down in 2020 Based Solely on Dr. Drosten's Wildly Faulty Predictions
"Fast foward to March of 2020, when the German Bundestag announced an epidemic situation of national importance (which is the equivalent of a pandemic) in March of 2020; and, based on this, the lockdown with the suspension of all essential constitutional rights for an unforeseeable time. There was only one single opinion on which the Federal Government based its decision. The only person listened to was Mr. Drosten, i.e. the very person whose horrific, panic-inducing prognoses had proved to be catastrophically false 12 years earlier.
"We know this because a whistleblower named David Siber, a member of the Green Party, told us about it. He did so first on Aug. 29, 2020, in Berlin in the context of an event at which Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., also took part, and at which both men gave speeches. And he did so afterwards in one of the sessions of our Corona Committee. The reason he did this is that he had become increasingly skeptical about the official narrative propagated by politicians and the mainstream media. He had, therefore, undertaken an effort to find out about other scientists' opinions and had found them on the Internet. There, he realized that there were a number of highly renowned scientists who held a completely different opinion which contradicted the horrific prognoses of Mr. Drosten.
The Opposition Scientists Begin to Speak Out in Germany
"They [the scientists who disagreed with Drosten] assumed--and still do assume--that there was no disease that went beyond the gravity of the seasonal flu; that the population had already acquired cross- or T-cell immunity against this allegedly new virus; and that there was, therefore, no reason for any special measures--and certainly not for vaccinations!
"These scientists included Professor John Ionnidis of Stanford University in California, a specialist in statistics and epidemiology, as well as public health; and, at the same time, the most quoted scientist in the world: Professor Michael Levitt, Nobel Prize winner for chemistry and, also, a biophysicist at Stanford University...
"At the end of March/beginning of April of 2020, Mr. Siber turned to the leadership of his Green Party with the knowledge he had accumulated and suggested that they present these other scientific opinions to the public and explain that, contrary to Mr. Drosten's doomsday prophecies, there was no reason for the public to panic.
"Incidentally, Lord Sumption, who served as a judge at the British Supreme Court from June 2012 to 2018, had done the very same thing at the very same time and had come to the very same conclusion: that there was no factual basis for panic and no legal basis for the Corona measures. Likewise, the former president of the German Federal Constitutional Court expressed (albeit more cautiously) serious doubts that the Corona measures were constitutional.
"But instead of taking note of these opinions and discussing them with David Siber, the Green Party leadership declared that Mr. Drosten's panic messages were good enough for the Green Party (remember, they are not a member of the ruling coalition, but they are the opposition!), just as it had been good enough for the federal government as a basis for its lockdown decision. They subsequently called David Siber a conspiracy theorist without ever having considered the content of his information and then stripped him of his mandates.
"2. The current, actual situation regarding the virus's danger, the complete uselessness of PCR tests for the detection of infections, and the lockdown based on non-existent infections:
"In the meantime, we know that the healthcare systems were never in danger of becoming overwhelmed by Covid-19. On the contrary: many hospitals remain empty to this day, and some are now facing bankruptcy. The hospital ship, Comfort, anchored in New York at the time, and [which] could have accommodated 1000 patients, never accommodated more than some 20 patients. Nowhere was there any excess mortality. Studies carried out by Professor Ionnidis and others have shown that mortality of Corona is equivalent to that of the seasonal flu.
"Even pictures from Bergamo and New York that were used to demonstrate to the world that panic was in order proved to be deliberately misleading.
"A word of clarification: in Bergamo, the vast majority of deaths--94%, to be exact--turned out to be the result not of Covid-19 but, rather, the consequences of the government deciding to transfer sick patients (sick with probably the cold or the seasonal flu--there was a very big flu epidemic up until February 9th, when suddenly everything was changed to Covid) from hospitals to nursing homes in order to make room at the hospitals for all the Covid patients, who never arrived. There, at the nursing homes, they then infected old people with severely weakened immune systems, usually as a result of pre-existing medical conditions. In addition, a flu vaccination, which had been previously administered, had further weakened the immune systems of people in the nursing homes.
"In New York, only some--but by far not all--of the hospitals were overwhelmed. Many people, most of whom were, again, elderly and had serious pre-existing medical conditions, and most of whom (had it not been for the panic-mongering) would have just stayed at home to recover, raced to the hospitals. There, many of them fell victim to healthcare-associated infections, or nosocomial infections on the one hand, and incidents of malpractice on the other hand, e.g., by being put on a respirator rather than receiving oxygen through an oxygen mask.
"Then the so-called 'Panic Paper' was leaked, which was written by the German Department of the Interior. Its classified content shows beyond a shadow of a doubt that, in fact, the population was deliberately driven to panic by politicians and mainstream media.
"The accompanying irresponsible statements of the head of the RKI, Mr. Wieler, who repeatedly and excitedly announced that the Corona measures must be followed unconditionally by the population without asking any questions shows that he followed this script verbatim. In his public statements, he kept announcing that the situation was very grave and threatening, although the figures compiled by his own institute proved the exact opposite.
Covid-19 Has a Mortality Rate Like a Mild Flu Season
"...to clarify: Covid-19 (this is the current state of affairs) is a dangerous disease just like the seasonal flu is a dangerous disease. And, of course, Covid-19, just like the seasonal flu, many times takes a severe clinical course and will sometimes kill patients.
"However, as autopsies have shown, which were carried out in Germany--in particular by the forensic scientist Professor Klaus Püschel--the fatalities he examined had almost all been caused by serious pre-exisiting conditions, and almost all of the people who had died had died at a very old age, just like in Italy. [This means] they had lived beyond their average life expectancy.
Autopsies Proved that Covid-19 Was Not the Cause of Death for the Vast Majority of So-Called Covid Deaths
"The Germany RKI had initially, strangely enough, recommended that no autopsies be performed. And there are numerous credible reports that doctors and hospitals worldwide had been paid money for declaring a deceased person a victim of Covid-19 rather than writing down the true cause of death on the death certificate...Without autopsies, we would never know that the overwhelming majority of the alleged Covid-19 victims had died of completely different diseases, but not of Covid-19.
Three Reasons the Lockdowns Were Completely Unnecessary
"The assertion that the lockdown was necessary because there were so many infections with SARS-CoV-2 and because the healthcare systems would be overwhelmed is wrong for three reasons, as we have learned from the hearings we conducted with the Corona Committee and from other data that has become available in the meantime:
"a. Lockdown was imposed when the virus was already retreating. By the time the lockdown was imposed, the alleged infection rates were already dropping again.
"b. There is already protection from the virus because of cross- or T-cell immunity. Apart from that, there is already cross- or T-cell immunity in the general population against the corona viruses contained in every flu or influenza wave. This is true even if this time around a slightly different strain of the corona virus was at work. And that is because the body's own immune system remembers every virus it has ever battled in the past; and from this experience, it also recognizes a supposedly new--but still similar strain--of the virus from the corona family.
How Dr. Drosten Created the PCR Test for Covid-19 Based on Garbage Data
"Incidentally, that's how the PCR test for the detection of an infection was invented by now infamous Professor Drosten. At the beginning of January of 2020, based on this very basic knowledge, Mr. Drosten developed his own PCR test, which supposedly detects an infection with SARS-CoV-2. Without ever having seen the real Wuhan virus from China, only having learned from social media reports that there was something going on in Wuhan, he started tinkering on his computer with what would become his Corona PCR test. For this, he used an old SARS virus, hoping it would be sufficiently similar to the allegedly new strain of the corona virus found in Wuhan. Then he sent the result of his computer tinkering to China to determine whether the victims of the alleged new corona virus tested positive. They did, and that was enough for the WHO to sound the pandemic alarm and to recommend the worldwide use of the Drosten PCR test for the detection of infections with the virus now called SARS-CoV-2.
"Drosten's opinions and advice was--this must be emphasized again--the only source for the German government when it announced the lockdown as well as the rules for social distancing and the mandatory wearing of masks. And--this must also be emphasized again--Germany apparently became the center of especially massive lobbying by the pharmaceutical and tech industry because the world, with reference to the allegedly disciplined Germans, should do as the Germans do in order to survive the pandemic.
"c. The PCR test is being used on the basis of false statements, not based on scientific facts with respect to infections.
Why Drosten's PCR Test is Faulty and Why PCR Tests, in General, Cannot Be Used for Diagnosis
"In the meantime, we have learned that those PCR tests, contrary to the assertions of Mssrs. Drosten, Wieler, and the WHO, do not give any indication of an infection with any virus, let alone with SARS-cov-2.
"Not only are PCR tests expressly not approved for diagnostic purposes, as is correctly noted on leaflets coming with these tests, and as the inventor of the PCR test, Kary Mullis, has repeatedly emphasized, [but] instead, they are simply incapable of diagnosing any disease.
"That is--contrary to the assertions of Drosten, Wieler, and the WHO, which they have been making since the proclamation of the pandemic--a positive PCR test result does not mean that an infection is present. If someone tests positive, it does not mean that they are infected with anything, let alone with a contagious SARS-CoV-2 virus.
"Even the US CDC itself says this, and I quote directly from page 38 of one of its publications on the Corona virus and the PCR tests dated July 13, 2020: 'Detection of viral RNA may not indicate the presence of infectious virus or that of 2019-nCOv infection...This test cannot rule out diseases caused by other bacterial or viral pathogens.'"
"It is still not clear whether there has ever been a scientifically correct isolation of the Wuhan virus so that nobody knows exactly what we are looking for when we test--especially since this virus, just like the flu viruses, mutates quickly. The PCR swabs take on or two sequences of a molecule that are invisible to the human eye and, therefore, need to be amplified in many cycles to make it visible. Everything over 35 cycles is, as reported by the New York Times and others, considered completely unreliable and scientifically unjustifiable. However, the Drosten test, as well as the WHO-recommended tests that followed his example, are set to 45 cycles.
"Can that be because of the desire to produce as many positive results as possible and thereby provide the basis for the false assumption that a large number of infections have been detected?
"The test cannot distinguish inactive and reproductive matter. That means that a positive result might happen because the test detects a piece of debris--a fragment of a molecule--which may signal nothing else than that the immune system of the person tested won a battle with the common cold in the past. Even Drosten himself declared in an interview with a German business magazine in 2014 at the time concerning the alleged detection of an infection with the MERS virus (allegedly with the help of the PCR test) that these PCR tests are so highly sensitive that even very healthy and non-infectious people may test positive.
"At that time, he also became very much aware of the powerful role of the panic and fear-mongering media as you'll see at the end of the following quote. He said, 'If, for example, such a pathogen scurries over the nasal mucosa of a nurse for a day or so without her getting sick or noticing anything else, then she is suddenly a MERS case. This could also explain the explosion of case numbers in Saudi Arabia. In addition, the media there have made this into an incredible sensation.'
"Has he forgotten this, or is he deliberately concealing this in the corona context? Because Corona is a very lucrative business opportunity for the pharmaceutical industry as a whole, and for Mr. Olfert Landt, his coauthor in many studies, and also a PCR test producer. In my view, it is completely implausible that he forgot in 2020 what he knew about the PCR tests and told the business magazine in 2014.
"In short, this test cannot detect any infection, contrary to all false claims stating that it can. An infection, a so-called hot infection, requires that the virus, or, rather, a fragment of a molecule that may be a virus, is not just found somewhere (e.g. the throat of a person) without causing any damage. That would be a cold infection. Rather, a hot infection requires that the virus penetrates into the cells, replicates there, and causes symptoms such as headaches or a sore throat. Only then is a person really infected in the sense of a hot infection because only then is a person contagious--that is, able to infect others. Until then, it is completely harmless for both the host and all other people that the host comes into contact with.
"Once again, this means that positive test results--contrary to all other claims, e.g. by Drosten, Wieler, or the WHO--mean nothing with respect to infections, as even the CDC knows as quoted above. Meanwhile, a number of scientists worldwide assume that there has never been a Corona pandemic but only a PCR test pandemic.
"This is the conclusion reached by many German scientists such as Professors Bhakdi, Reiss, Mölling, Hockertz, Walach, and many others, including the above-mentioned Professor Ionnidis and the Nobel Laureate Professor Michael Levitt from Stanford University.
"The most recent such opinion is that of aforementioned Dr. Mike Yeadon, a former vice president and chief science officer at Pfizer, who held this position for 16 years. He and his coauthors--all well-known scientists--published a scientific paper in September, 2020, and he wrote a corresponding magazine article on September 20, 2020.
Statement by Dr. Mike Yeadon, Former Vice President and Chief Science Officer at Pfizer, and His Co-Authors: There Can Be No Talk of a Second Wave
"Among other things, they state, 'We are basing our government policy, our economic policy, and the policy of restricting fundamental rights presumable on completely wrong data and assumptions about the corona virus...If it weren't for the test results that are constantly reported in the media, the pandemic would be over because nothing really happened. Of course there are some serious individual cases of illness, but there are also some in every flu epidemic. There was a real wave of disease in March and April, but since then everything has gone back to normal. Only the positive test results rise and sink wildly again and again, depending how many tests are carried out again, but the real cases of illness are over. There can be no talk of a second wave.'
"The allegedly new strain of the Corona virus is, Dr. Yeadon continues, only new in that it is a new type of the long-known corona virus. There are at least four corona viruses that are endemic and cause some of the common colds we experience, especially in winter. They all have a striking sequence similarity to the Corona virus. And because the human immune system recognizes the similarity to the virus that has now allegedly been newly discovered, a T-cell immunity has long existed in this respect. 30% of the population had this before the allegedly new virus even appeared. Therefore, it is sufficient for the so-called herd immunity that the 15-25% of the population are infected with the allegedly new Corona virus to stop further spread of the virus, and this has long been the case.
"Regarding the all-important PCR tests, Yeadon writes in a piece called 'Lies, Damned Lies and Health Statistics--the Deadly Danger of False Positives,' dated September 20, 2020: 'The likelihood of an apparently positive case being a false positive is between 89-94%, or near certainty.'
What the PCR Test Actually Measures
"Dr. Yeadon (in agreement with the professors of immunology Kaemmerer from Germany, Capel from the Netherlands, and Cahill from Ireland, as well as the microbiologist Dr. Avery from Austria--all of whom testified before the German Corona Committee) explicitly points out that a positive test does not mean that an intact virus has been found. The authors explain that what the PCR test actually measures is 'simply the presence of partial RNA sequences present in the intact virus which could be a piece of dead virus which cannot make the subject sick and cannot be transmitted and cannot make anyone else sick.'
"Because of the completely unsuitability of the test for the detection of infectious diseases (it tested positive with goats, sheep, papayas, and even chicken wings), Oxford Professor Carl Heneghan, director of the Center for Evidence-Based Medicine, writes that the Covid-19 virus would never disappear if this test practice were to be continued but would always be--falsely--detected in much of what is tested.
Evidence that Lockdowns Do Nothing to Lower Mortality Rate
"Lockdowns, as Yeadon and his colleagues found out, do not work. Sweden, with its laissez-faire approach, and Great Britain, with its strict lockdown, for example, have completely comparable disease and mortality statistics. The same was found by the U.S. scientists concerning the different U.S. states: it makes no difference whether a state implements a lockdown or not.
"With regard to the Imperial College of London's Professor Neil Ferguson and his completely false computer models warning of millions of deaths, he [Yeadon] says that, 'No serious scientist gives any validity to Ferguson's model.' He points out, with thinly veiled contempt, 'It's important that you know most scientists don't accept that it (Ferguson's model) was even faintly right...but the government is still wedded to the model.' Ferguson predicted 40,000 corona deaths in Sweden by May and 100,000 by June, but it remained at 5,800, which, according to the Swedish authorities, is equivalent to a mild flu.
"If the PCR test had not been used as a diagnostic tool for Corona virus infections, there would not be a pandemic and there would be no lockdowns, but everything would have been perceived as just a medium or light wave of influenza, these scientists conclude. Dr. Yeadon, in his piece 'Lies, Damned Lies and Health Statistics--the Deadly Danger of False Positives,' writes, 'This test is fatally flawed and MUST immediately be withdrawn and never used again in this setting unless shown to be fixed.' And, towards the end of the article: 'I have explained how a hopelessly-performing diagnostic test has been and continues to be used not for diagnosis of disease but, it seems, solely to create fear.'
"3. The current, actual situation regarding the severe damage caused by the lockdowns and other measures.
"Another detailed paper written by a German official in the Department of the Interior, who is responsible for risk assessment and the protection of the population against risks, was leaked recently. It is now called the 'False Alarm Paper.'
"This paper comes to the conclusion that there was and is no sufficient evidence for serious health risks for the population as claimed by Drosten, Wieler, and the WHO. But, the author says, there is very much evidence of the Corona measures causing gigantic health and economic damage to the population, which he then describes in detail in this paper. This, he concludes, will lead to very high claims for damages, which the government will be held responsible for.
"This has now become reality, but the paper's author was suspended.
"In Germany alone, 500,000 to 800,000 bankruptcies are expected in the fall to strike small- and medium-sized businesses, which form the backbone of the economy. This will result in incalculable tax losses and incalculably high and long-term social security money transfers for, among other things, unemployment benefits.
What the German Constitution Says about the Excessive Corona Virus Measures [Which Is Also What the U.S. Constitution Says about These Measures]
"1. Unconstitutionality of the measures.
"A number of German law professors, including Professors Kingreen, Murswieck, Jungbluth, and Vosgerau, have stated either in written expert opinions or in interviews--in line with the serious doubts expressed by the former president of the Federal Constitutional Court with respect to the constitutionality of the Corona measures--that these measures are without sufficient legal basis and are, therefore, unconstitutional and must be repealed immediately.
"Very recently, a judge, Thorsten Shlief, declared publicly that the German judiciary, just like the general public, has been so panic-stricken that it was no longer able to administer justice properly. He says that the courts of law 'have all too quickly waved through coercive measures, which, for millions of people all over Germany, represent massive suspensions of their constitutional rights.' He points out that German citizens 'are currently experiencing the most serious encroachment on their constitutional rights since the founding of the Federal Republic of Germany in 1949.'
"In order to contain the Corona pandemic, federal and state governments have intervened 'massively, and, in part, threatening the very existence of the country' as it is guaranteed by the constitutional rights of the people.'
"2. Fraud, intentional inflictions of damage, and crimes against humanity.
"Based on the rules of criminal law, asserting false facts concerning the PCR tests or intentional misrepresentation as it was committed by Mssrs. Drosten and Wieler as well as the WHO, can only be assessed as fraud. Based on the rules of civil tort law, this translates into intentional infliction of damage.
"The German professor of civil law, Martin Schwab, supports this finding in public interviews. In a comprehensive legal opinion of around 180 pages, he has familiarized himself with the subject matter like no other legal scholar has done thus far, and, in particular, has provided a detailed account of the complete failure of the mainstream media to report on the true facts of this so-called pandemic. Mssrs. Drosten, Wieler, and Tedros of the WHO all knew, based on their own expertise--or the expertise of their institutions--that the PCR tests cannot provide any information about infections, but asserted over and over again to the general public that they can, with their counterparts all over the world repeating this. And they all knew and accepted that on the basis of their recommendations the governments of the world would decide on lockdowns, the rules for social distancing, and mandatory wearing of face masks--the latter representing a very serious health hazard as more and more independent studies and expert statements show.
Civil Tort Law and Class Action Lawsuits Against the Perpetrators of Damaging and Unnecessary Corona Virus Measures
"Under the rules of civil tort law, all those who have been harmed by these PCR test-induced lockdowns are entitled to receive full compensation for their losses. In particular, there is a duty to compensate--that is, a duty to pay damages for the loss of profits suffered by companies and self-employed persons as a result of the lockdown and other measures.
"3. Class action as the best route to compensatory damages and to political consequences.
"The so-called class action lawsuit is based on English law and exists today and in the USA and Canada. It enables a court of law to allow a complaint for damages to be tried as a class action lawsuit at the request of a plaintiff if, as a result of a damage-inducing event, a large number of people suffer the same type of damage.
"Phrased differently, a judge can allow a class action lawsuit to go forward if common questions of law and fact make up the vital component of the lawsuit. The advantage of a class action is that only one trial is needed, namely to try the complaint of a representative plaintiff who is affected in a manner typical of everyone in the class.
"This is, firstly, cheaper; and secondly, faster than hundreds of thousands or more individual lawsuits; and thirdly, it imposes less of a burden on the courts. Fourthly, as a rule, it allows much more precise examination of the accusations than would be possible in the context of hundreds of thousands or--more likely in this Corona setting--even millions of individual lawsuits.
In particular, the well-established and proven Anglo-American law of evidence, with its pre-trial discovery, is applicable. This requires that all evidence relevant for the determination of the lawsuit is put on the table. In contrast to the typical situation in German lawsuits with structured imbalance (i.e. lawsuits involving a consumer on the one hand and a powerful corporation on the other), the withholding--or even destruction of evidence--is not without consequences. Rather, the party withholding or even destroying evidence loses the case.
"Here in Germany, a group of tort lawyers banded together to help their clients with the recovery of damages. They have provided all relevant information and forms for German plaintiffs to both estimate how much damage they have suffered and [then] join the group or class of plaintiffs who will later join the class action when it goes forward either in Canada or the U.S."
The danger here is that if I speak of anything that is not family news, I start veering sharply into a rant against what I see happening around me in society. Just today, for instance, I have written and erased three separate drafts of this blog post.
But this is where I think out loud. Sometimes one must write and write and write in order to find out what one thinks and how to state it clearly, logically, and concisely. The alternative is to talk and talk and talk, and no one wants to listen to me long enough for me to clearly formulate my argument.
Before I go there, however, I wanted to share something I thought was funny at work.
It has taken a while, as I am a middle-aged woman in a faculty made up of young men, to really find my place in the group. (My boss just turned 35 a few days ago, and I'm literally old enough to be a couple of the other teachers' mother.) They are never unkind or dismissive of me, and they are always telling me how grateful they are to have me there because, fortunately, I am competent at my job; but I haven't been able to fully mesh with them socially yet. They are a different generation, and I am not all that interesting in their eyes. I get it, of course. I was young like them once, too, and old people weren't exactly fascinating to me, either.
But today, I think I found my place. I am the mom. It's now official.
What happened was this: this morning, I handed each of them lists of the students in each of their classes and noted which students were not yet enrolled in the online classes. For the two classes that had complete student enrollment in their online classes, I jokingly graded them like a test, with exclamation points and happy faces.
The guys got the joke. They started arguing with each other over who had the most exclamation points (they know that I don't believe in using more than one exclamation point, so using multiple exclamation points is a bit of an in-joke).
"Mom likes me best!" crowed Skyler, who got three exclamation points.
"No, Mom likes me best! I got a happy face!" retorted Neil.
There was much laughter.
At lunch, Skyler came to me with the mending kit and said, "Can you be my mom and sew on the button that came off my cuff? I can't do it." As I sewed it on, I explained what I was doing because he asked me questions about the process. When I was done, he was grateful. "Thanks, Mom," he said with a grin.
Is it weird that this makes me more relaxed with them? I know how to be a mom. I do not know how to connect with them the way their generation connects with each other. But I can be more myself if I'm the mom.
Huh! Look at that! I have a Zoom meeting with my Relief Society presidency and I don't have time to rant. You're so lucky!
Things have calmed down so much at work that I am more frequently finding myself at a loss for what to do. While it's nice to be on top of things, I also have no desire to be bored to death, even if I'm getting paid for it. I figure that part of my job is to be spiritually fit, and, therefore, I don't have an ethical issue with studying the gospel at work. After all, the entire seminary is built around studying and teaching the good word of Christ for the purpose of helping the teens who come to class to develop their own relationship with their Savior. The teachers get paid for forty hours a week of reading, studying, pondering, and teaching the gospel, and I don't see how I can't also do that at work, given that I have some free time.
So the other day, I caught up with Griff and Skyler and said, "Hey, tell me what to read," knowing that they both have extensive gospel libraries in their offices (and into Skyler's library I have secretly inserted several extra books and am waiting to see when he notices). Griff thought about it for a moment and then handed me a slim volume from one of his shelves. The title was The Divine Gift of Forgiveness, by Neil L. Andersen. Somehow, I have never read this book.
"This is a great one," he said, "and it's not too long."
He was truly inspired. I have been devouring the book, and it has made a huge difference for my mental state.
You might have noticed that I've struggled quite a bit in the last few years regarding my feelings of inadequacy/bouts of crippling perfectionism/sense of worthlessness. It's so annoying, and I know none of those feelings is worthy of consideration except to help me work to improve myself, yet the pain has been sometimes unrelenting. While I rationally know better, sometimes you just can't logic your way out of depression--or, at least, you can't logic your way out of depression for long if you haven't resolved the underlying issues.
If you haven't read The Divine Gift of Forgiveness, I suggest you get yourself a copy. I don't care what religion you are--the doctrine taught in that book will help you see clearly your relationship with Jesus Christ, both how great our debt is to Him and how great His love is for each of us.
I plowed through half the book on the first day, and that evening, Prunella texted me.
Do you remember Prunella? A few months ago, she surprised me by telling me--out of the blue--some very unflattering things she thought about me as well as some incredibly unfair and wholly untrue things she thought about one of my dear friends. I've struggled with anger about what she said about Jill (though Jill, who is sweet and good and so very, very amazing, has long since fully forgiven her), and while I've been able to feel much less angry on my own behalf, the things Prunella said skewered me so hard in the painfully tender insecurities I have about myself that I've plumbed the very depths of my deepest fears of my own worthlessness. There have been some awful nights that have driven me to my knees in mental agony. She didn't cause that pain, but what she said did fan the flames.
Anyway, Prunella texted me to tell me she has recently remarried and is very happy. She also wished to apologize for being a moron (her word), and she realized fairly quickly, through the Spirit, after having spewed all her anger at me, that I really did love her and accept her. She explained that one of the reasons she was so angry is that she has a sister who never initiates contact, and I guess my own failure to frequently initiate contact with her was a pressure point, and she eventually boiled over.
Knowing Prunella (and that's an unflattering name I gave her when I was hurt and upset), I know she was sincerely apologizing. I also know that she doesn't have a deep empathetic capability, which is a character trait and not a personal flaw. Some people are less empathetic than others, and that's a fact. I admitted to her that she had thrown me a curve ball, but I didn't tell her how difficult it has been for me to let go of what she said to me. My feelings are not her responsibility, and, to be totally honest, I still don't have a desire to expose my vulnerable underbelly to her any more than I have to. We had a little text conversation, and she felt wonderful that she'd resolved our little disagreement as she moves on into the next phase of her life in another city with her new husband.
I'm not going to tell you that I have righteously forgiven Prunella and am living happily ever after. That would be a lie. I am not angry with her anymore, and I haven't been really angry with her for a long time--mostly because anger is so exhausting and negative and is my least favorite of all the emotions--and I truly wish her all the best in her new life; but I can't feel about her the way I used to. I don't know if I could ever fully trust her again after she turned some of my heartfelt and sincere confidences around and used them against me. Maybe, someday, the last vestige of that sense of betrayal will fade away and I will know that I have completely forgiven her. Or, maybe, forgiveness is not about expecting a relationship, once shattered, to be able to go back to what it was but about seeing her as Christ sees her and accepting that she is greatly loved by Him just as much as I am loved by Him, and that His love for her does not diminish His love for me. We are both imperfect, mortal beings full of faults and flaws and hurts and biases, and we're really not so different from each other. After all, I have hurt so many people myself, even if I didn't intend to, and that's only one of my many shortcomings. I am not above anyone in the righteousness department. I am right down here with the worms and the dust of the earth. What gives me hope is that the Atonement can make up for all my failures and shortcomings, and my true sin is in thinking I am somehow exempt from that blessing and not asking for its healing in my life so that I can be better to those around me and help others see how much they, too, are loved by Him.
I have no illusions about my future of total and continual mental bliss. That will never happen. I'll have to keep relearning the same lessons over and over, I think. But for today, I have hope. I struggle, and so does everyone, but today I also have so much hope, thanks to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.
I really enjoy my job at the seminary. I enjoy it so much that I've decided to make it my only job. Despite the steep learning curve, I feel like I'm totally crushing it. It helps that my co-workers are very kind, patient, and encouraging, and the students are respectful. When I'm done at the seminary for the day, I leave feeling energized.
I took this photo in order to include it in a monthly report for work, trying to capture the new images Neil (on the left) and my boss (not pictured) had printed to hang on the walls. Neil and Tanner got in the way, however, so I just took their photo. They're such good guys. So young, but such good guys. There were no students in the building, so they're not wearing masks. I just want to clarify that they do wear masks when students are in the building, as that can get a person into serious trouble these days.
Working a full day at the seminary and then rushing off to drive afternoon bus runs was just too much, however. Oddly, learning this new job has not been stressful, even though I've had so much to learn; but being a sub driver comes with a certain degree of uncertainty about where you're going, who you're driving, and what possibly unpleasant surprises you'll encounter. The problem with adrenal fatigue is that even small and simple stresses aren't handled well by the body. I have very little tolerance for mental stress anymore, which is annoying. The mental stress of being a sub driver--though it's a small stress, to be sure--meant that I was not sleeping well at night, my brain zipping around in my skull like a hyperactive toddler while I was pleading with it to calm down and be still. Consistently poor sleep makes doing both jobs more and more of a mental and physical burden. Driving a bus while exhausted is not a good idea.
When I told Griff, my seminary boss, that I was giving up the bus driving because it was just too much, he nodded his head and said, "Yeah, well, the worst that could happen if you make a mistake here is that we have to fix a file. It wouldn't actually end up killing a student or anything."
I agree. I should stick with the job that carries the least possibility of killing students.
I also factored into my decision the worry that I'm not seeing Little Gary enough. We're homeschooling him again this year because his migraines are still coming on very frequently--sometimes daily, despite our efforts to figure out how to stop them--and I'm too exhausted when I get home to spend the quality time with him that I need to. Better to get home earlier and not be too exhausted to spend time with him. Despite his headaches, however, he has maintained his passion for history and has created some very well researched PowerPoints on World War I and World War II. Little Gary knows so much about those particular wars that I go to him when I have questions.
Joseph, my 16-year-old, is doing really well, which is a relief. He decided to attend high school this year as a junior (11th grade), and his school counselor is working with us to help him get enough credits to graduate with a high school diploma in two years. It means he's doing a full school schedule plus a few extra classes online. He's getting the rhythm of it, and he's keeping up. I'm so proud of all he's been doing to learn how to cope with his anxiety and his determination not to let it beat him. He's making friends at school, and he also applied for and got a Saturday job at the local bakery, which is putting money into his bank account for private driving school classes. Fortunately, he's not bringing any donuts home, like Gabrielle used to do when she was working there. I do not need the temptation of fresh, delicious, tender bakery donuts in the house.
Joseph, just before his recent haircut.
Elannah has been enjoying life in Southern Utah. She got a full-time job as a front desk clerk at a hotel, and that makes her feel a lot more financially secure (and it means we get a steep discount on a room if we want to go visit her!). She has also made some really good friends among her roommates and with kids in her FHE group and Institute class. She isn't a partyer, but she has a lot of fun.
Elannah started dating a lovely young man just before she moved, and they like each other so much that they're doing the long-distance relationship thing. He's gone down to visit her, and they spend all their time together when she makes the drive home. Dalton is a super young man. He's smart, steady but fun, and he adores Elannah.
They make a cute couple.
Elannah and Dalton
Sophia is still dating her gentle-giant physical trainer boyfriend, Matt. They've been together for two years now. There's talk of a pending proposal. Matt is a great guy, despite his insistence on growing the occasional mustache and goatee. For his birthday, we bought him a cast iron frying pan, and he was so excited. You know a guy is mature when getting a cast iron pan to use in his kitchen (in the house he owns) makes him happy. The only serious difference of opinion between Matt and Sophia is on how he wants to decorate his bedroom. Sophia has stated emphatically that she will not be able to live with black walls covered in red paint splatter. He can do that in his basement Man Cave, but she doesn't want to wake up to that every day.
They're in negotiations.
Matt and Sophia
Sian, Nathan, and my darling grandson, Tyler, are doing well. Nathan got a good full-time job, and he's also attending another year of college. They're happy, and my grandson is, of course, adorable and smart and hilarious and perfect.
You can see his mischievous self in that raised eyebrow and little smirk, can't you?
Nathan, Tyler, and Sian
Gabrielle and Raine are plugging along, as well. They adopted one of my parents' cats, and the cat, Midnight, is very loved and gets plenty of snuggles and pettings on Gabrielle's lap (not that Midnight wasn't happy at my parents' house, where she was also loved and petted). Raine found a full-time job in the automotive department at a newly built Costco, and Gabrielle is still doing the workload of seven women, trying to fulfill the sometimes impossible promises made by the salesmen she works for. She is scouting for another job, however, as working for salesmen is a terrible deal for anyone other than the salesmen: they promise the moon to the customers--essentially dropping a bomb onto their fulfillment teams--and then spend a lot of their time congratulating themselves on their sales successes by golfing and refusing to do one iota of extra work to help clean up their messes. Been there, done that. I told Gabrielle to get out now before the whole company implodes. She heartily agrees. Her stress levels are almost unbearable, despite the cat.
Husband built a new deck onto the back of our house over the summer. The old one that came with the house was poorly built, so Husband did the research, bought the supplies and equipment (so much more expensive now than a few years ago!), and put up one himself, with the help of his dad and Joseph. All that remains to be done is staining/protecting the wood and putting up a little privacy lattice, as our back yard faces the street behind our house, and all the people living in those houses can see right into our yard from their front windows. It makes me feel very exposed, so I don't spend a lot of time hanging out in the back yard. This deck is so nice. I'm so proud of Husband for doing such a great job.
Husband and Joseph putting on the final touches.
You're still here? I'm impressed and gratified!
In case you were wondering, yes, I'm still losing weight. I'm down about 25 pounds total now since the beginning of June. That's not a lot of weight lost given the time frame, but there was a vacation in there where it took a couple weeks to get fully back on track, and I occasionally eat too much pizza. But otherwise, I am very much still loving the keto/intermittent fasting approach. I was eating only one meal a day, which was easy, but I realized I wasn't eating enough in the day, so I added a small high fat/high protein mini-meal for lunch, and that seemed to speed up the weight loss process immediately. I'm all for eating more in order to lose weight!
Ok. That's it for now. I hope you have a wonderful day!
A few days ago, I was a bit down. Nothing too big. Just one of those days when my anxieties get a little loud in my head and I start fearing that what I normally know is irrational is actually true.
In this case, the anxiety that got loud was that there is nothing likable about me, and that people who are friendly are really just pretending. I had the very real urge to go home and develop a severe case of agoraphobia.
There had been a couple less-than-stellar interactions with some people in the course of what I was doing in the day (though the vast majority of interactions were positive), and I was tired and let my guard down; so the Demon On My Shoulder (DOMS), who is assigned to get at me through any chink in my armor (think The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis), had a bit of a field day stirring up these particular deepest fears of mine.
So irritating. DOMS is a real pest. It really hates me, and it uses any opportunity to skewer me in my most emotionally tender parts.
Rationally, I know that while I'm not everyone's cup of tea, most of my interactions with others will be pleasant ones--whether those interactions are with family, friends, or strangers--because I am going to approach those interactions with the best of intentions. I am genuinely interested in making others' days as pleasant as I possibly can through my actions, and I am going to think the best of you unless given good evidence to the contrary. Despite my introverted nature, I often strike up conversations with strangers, and we smile together and sometimes laugh in the few seconds or minutes that our paths cross. In that moment there's a little bond, a little golden cord of good faith that is created between two people who may never meet again but who have shared a tiny meeting of hearts. For me, it's a boost. I hope it makes the other person's day a little smoother, too. When that meeting of hearts happens with friends and family, it's my lifeline. It's just about the most important thing in the world to me. That is why the opposite of this--that I am mistaken in this meeting of hearts and that I am only a burden and a torment to those I love, that they only pretend to like me because they know telling me they really can't stand me would crush me--holds so much terror for me. It sounds really stupid when I say it out loud, but it feels overwhelming when it's just in my head.
The one good thing that comes of DOMS's torments is that I know far better what my deepest fears are, and when you can name a fear, it has less power over you. It does mean thinking through the pain of the fear, sorting out what is rational from what is irrational, and that is hard, no lie. On that particular night, as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, my brain spun scenario after scenario that illustrated this particular deepest fear even while I mentally rolled my eyes and told myself it was all exaggerated silliness.
(The next day, I mentioned some things out loud in a group concerning this fear, and that prompted my friend, Linnea, to send me a little video message telling me that she thinks highly of me. I hadn't been fishing (and I had a momentary stab of guilt that maybe she felt obligated to send that message because of how pathetic I am--see? it's always a fight!) but I was very grateful for the fact that she took time to tell me that. It's still making my heart warm.)
Is it normal for the rational and irrational sides of your mind to battle things out like that, where I can consciously feel both the rational and irrational sides square off in my mind? I know some people don't have internal dialogues, which is hard for me to imagine. Would it be blessed silence not to be mentally talking to myself all the time?
The fear that I am a burden is a sub-fear of an even larger fear, the biggest, deepest fear I have: that I am actually, literally, worthless. Ugh. Don't even get me started on how annoying that one is to deal with. I have missed so many opportunities because I've believed that fear.
I tell you this not because I'm looking for sympathy but because someone else may have the same experience and need to know they're not alone. I blame DOMS for stirring up those fears so hard that my life stutters a bit as I deal with them. Everyone has a DOMS, whether you want to think of that demon as literal or figurative. I find that if I can (figuratively) point to DOMS and say, "This is you, you beast. This is not truth. You are trying to stop me from doing or being what I'm supposed to do or be," it helps take the edge off the fear. You can separate yourself--your identity--from the fear and think of it as Other, Not You. It is not who you are, and, therefore, it doesn't have to have power over you.
I hope that makes sense. I'm no expert, obviously, or I would have banished all my fears by now. Or, maybe it's that I'm human and can't banish all my fears, but I'm doing the best I can right now. And so are you.
I prayed about his fear. God told me it was not true, and He also said He would keep reminding me of that every time I asked.
I love my new job. There's a lot to learn, and I'm frantically busy for the entire time I'm at work, but I love what I do, I love my co-workers, and I love helping students.
For the past two weeks, the school district has had the kids on early-out days, with Fridays being "remote learning days," where the students work entirely online. This means that, on Monday through Thursday, classes have only been thirty-five minutes long--not long enough to do hardly anything as far as teaching new concepts or getting into really good discussions of the subject matter. That changes next week, when classes will be run at normal times of seventy minutes per class. The teachers at the seminary are very excited for next week.
The one thing I hate about my job--the one thing--is the wearing of masks.
All the students have to wear masks, and so do we, of course. I, in my glassed-off office, take my mask off when no one is at my window speaking to me, and when the students are gone, all the faculty abandon masks altogether (and during the summer, none of us wore masks around each other at all).
Bus drivers have to wear masks while they are driving, which I find ridiculous. How is being oxygen-deprived while driving a large number of students around in a very heavy vehicle in any way safe? But I guarantee that if some Karen or Chad sees you driving without your mask fully on your face, the bus garage will get a phone call to complain. Never mind that the driver is facing away from the students and has nearly six feet of separation from the students sitting behind him or her. No, we should have drivers become sleepy and less reactive to appease the panicking public.
You know my opinion on the efficacy of masks to prevent influenza-type illnesses: it's like putting up a chain link fence to keep the mosquitos out. I've read the studies, studies on masks that were performed years before wearing a mask became a political trigger and a virtue signal. No amount of logical contortions by the media (and one of my own sons, who has become quite the left-of-center thinker) can convince me otherwise. Masks are useful in a tiny handful of situations, and this is not one of them. What they are effective for right now is to keep pushing everyone to be panicked about a virus that has not even met Koch's Postulates as a real, identifiable disease. No one has ever seen a Covid-19 coronavirus virus. It has never been isolated.
Never mind, for now, that the WHO changed its own definition of a pandemic to allow this nearly non-existent threat to be classified as an actual pandemic.
What I want to talk about is this: DR. ANNIE BUKACEK WAS RIGHT!
The Covid-19 death statistics were being deliberately skewed upward, with the result being an economic disaster that will affect us for years. She was lambasted, threatened, and name-called for speaking the truth: that the CDC was adamantly instructing that doctors list just about any death as a Covid-19 on the death certificates.
The CDC just admitted that only six percent (6%!) of deaths attributed to Covid-19 were actually attributable to only Covid-19. Less than 10,000 people in the United States have died of only Covid-19. The other 96% of deaths had one or more co-morbities that killed them, with the majority of people who died also being aged above 65, many of whom were in nursing homes.
I'm not discounting that people died. People do die, though. Everyday. Some die after a long and fruitful life, and some die tragically young. I will die someday, too. Hopefully, I will be missed by someone after I die. But, to me, it is a desecration to use someone's death as a reason to falsely frighten and panic the living into complying with draconian and tyrannical measures that cause more harm than they will ever cause good. If my death were used in that way, I would make it my personal after-life's goal to haunt the people responsible for using my death as a weapon. You think I'm being flippant? I'm not. I would not "go towards the light" until I had scared the living crap out of those sociopaths.
Obviously, this whole pandemic thing is about more than forcing people to wear masks and social distance. This experiment and all-too-successful trial will help usher in far worse tyrannies: the eventual domination of the "healthcare system" over all aspects of our lives, including our privacy, our money and our monetary and financial transactions, our bodily autonomy, our ability to travel freely, our relationships with other people, and our ability to make any personal choices for ourselves.
Think I'm exaggerating? Then you're not reading deeper than the headlines. You're not extrapolating into the future the consequences of the draconian measures that The Authorities have promised us are part of The New Normal, or, as it is also called, The Reset, or the Fourth Industrial Revolution. There are truly evil people who want to control us all, and we're handing them our collecctive heads on a big silver platter.
Sigh. But you know my opinions. You may agree, you may think I'm a loony. I just want people to think!
But in this time of Covid, I am fortunate that I love my job and the people I work with. I find a great deal of joy in my work.
I feel like I'm going nuts sometimes. I see things because of the studying and thinking I'm doing, and those things are so clear to me; but when I (cautiously, tentatively) bring those things up with others, I am almost always given condescendingly reassuring answers that show me the other person has not done any more research than reading the MSM headlines and yet still feels justified in telling me I am worried about nothing, that the things that appear so clear to me are merely nutty conspiracy theories that have no merit.
That's vague, sorry. I'm just frustrated. And complaining about this makes me sound like I'm convinced of my own moral and intellectual superiority. That's not the case. I know that most other people around me aren't as obsessed with questioning the official narrative as I am, and nor are they as suspicious as I am of the nefarious agendas being played out on the world stage. I don't fault people for being trusting.
I do, however, fault people for being so trusting that they'll justify increasingly self-harming and immoral actions as right and necessary for the common good, and that it is acceptable to use the might of society and/or government to force others into compliance; and, these people say, even if those actions are not strictly necessary, then at least it's better to just go along with it, just to be safe, just in case these measures really do work. Or, even if we all know some things we're being forced asked to do make little difference, it's the optics that count, right?
But I can condemn no one. I have not rocked the boat too hard, either. I have to work, and I have to follow certain guidelines that allow me to work. I haven't taken a stand that threatens my income or forced me to become overtly vocal in public about my thoughts. I am as much to blame as anyone else. I'm more to blame, actually. If I think something is very wrong here--even if few others do--why am I not shouting it out? Why am I not trying to warn people?
The problem with being the guy (or girl) who stands on the street corner, disheveled and wild-eyed, holding a sign that says, "The end is coming!" is that no one will take you seriously. You lose your voice because you can be so easily pigeonholed into the "crazy" box that even if you were speaking absolute truth, no one would believe it. You are easily dismissed. You are no longer valid because you are now Other. This is my fear. This is why I justify quietly planting seeds in peoples' minds, if that's the only thing I can do. If you can get a person to ask a question that they then feel compelled to ponder or to find the answer for, that is sometimes the best--and only--step you can take. As has become crystal clear to me over the past few years, no one comes to this point by traveling the same path. Everyone has their own moment of waking up, but that moment happens differently for each person, and usually it's because someone planted a little seed in their minds, and they allowed the seed to sprout.
My inner mental turmoil, however, remains. Where is it that I draw the line? At what point do I say, "This, and no more!" On which hill am I prepared to die?
And am I actually just crazy? I know I don't have all the answers, but what if I have none of the answers? If I'm just crazy, then at least I would not have to listen to my worries anymore, which would be so much easier. So much easier. But I know I'm not completely wrong, and, thus, my dilemma.
My 94-year-old grandmother's health is failing. For a woman who was diagnosed with congestive heart failure nearly five years ago, she's done remarkably well to be up and around for this long; but, though she has a very strong spirit, bodies don't last forever. She was put on hospice this week after taking a series of falls caused by the fact that her heart is not adequately pumping blood, which is depriving her muscles of oxygen. That and the increasing amount of water building up in her tissues despite medication is taking a major toll.
The family--including one of my aunts, who flew in from Iowa--gathered today at my parents' house in order to see my grandma and see each other. It was a big crowd, and each of us got a few minutes to speak to Grandma, who was too weak to get out of bed today. She's deteriorated a lot in the last twenty-four hours, but she still held our hands and was glad to see each of us.
It was good to see her and other family members. I haven't seen my sister, Ann, and her husband and son, since before Christmas last year because of the Coronavirus thing. Despite our worry for Grandma, we all enjoyed each others' company.
Here's an interesting thing that happened:
Yesterday, Husband, knowing we were heading into The Big City today to my parents' house, suddenly had a feeling that he needed something from the room that had once been his office. He was thinking it was a book--though he didn't know which book it was--and he knew precisely where to find it; he could see exactly where it was in his mind's eye.
Today, when we got to the house, he remembered it again and went out to look in that room, which is part of an addition built onto the back of the house, a room that hasn't really been used since we moved out. But there was no book. Instead, in the obscure cupboard to which he was led, he found my notes outlining the plan for the book I was writing about David from the Bible. The notes were the only thing in that cupboard. I don't know how they got put in there, but that's where they've been sitting for the last eleven years.
When he brought the notes to me in the house and explained how he'd found them, I nearly cried. I mean, it was an emotional gathering anyway--joy mixed with sorrow--but when I looked at those notes, I suddenly felt so strongly that they were back in my hands for a reason. I also mentally thanked Past Eva for being so thorough. I had written out timelines, developed character traits for the main characters, and done a lot of research into the historical details of the Biblical story. Present Eva will not have to reinvent the David and Samuel wheel. I was even impressed with the chapters I'd already written. Huh! I guess I do have some writing chops!
Husband told me that he can't think what book he was expecting to find. As he said with a little laugh, he didn't know he was looking for a book that hadn't been written yet. I told him that, see? he does get spiritual promptings like I do on occasion, the kind where you suddenly know something without knowing how and why you know it, and then, when you act on it, you find out the prompting was completely correct. I'm grateful this happened because he can see that he is perfectly capable of receiving such inspiration, and that it's not just me who can get it. He was convinced he wasn't capable of receiving such revelations.
Things like this--all the little miracles that God is constantly blessing us with--are why I'm not scared for my grandma--or for myself, when my time comes--because I know that there is a God who is so mindful of each of us individually that we can't even comprehend it. He knows each of us because He created each of us, and He loves and treasures each of us and will help us as much as we let Him.
I do not believe that Grandma will cease to be herself when her body dies. When her spirit passes through the veil from mortality to immortality, I have no doubt she will be welcomed by family members and her Savior into a place that is full of more love and light than any of us could imagine. When she falls at Jesus's feet and bathes them with her tears of gratitude, she will know that both our Heavenly Father and His son know her and love her to her very core. I hope she also feels that peace as her time on earth appears to be coming to a close.
