A few days ago, I was a bit down. Nothing too big. Just one of those days when my anxieties get a little loud in my head and I start fearing that what I normally know is irrational is actually true.
In this case, the anxiety that got loud was that there is nothing likable about me, and that people who are friendly are really just pretending. I had the very real urge to go home and develop a severe case of agoraphobia.
There had been a couple less-than-stellar interactions with some people in the course of what I was doing in the day (though the vast majority of interactions were positive), and I was tired and let my guard down; so the Demon On My Shoulder (DOMS), who is assigned to get at me through any chink in my armor (think The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis), had a bit of a field day stirring up these particular deepest fears of mine.
So irritating. DOMS is a real pest. It really hates me, and it uses any opportunity to skewer me in my most emotionally tender parts.
Rationally, I know that while I'm not everyone's cup of tea, most of my interactions with others will be pleasant ones--whether those interactions are with family, friends, or strangers--because I am going to approach those interactions with the best of intentions. I am genuinely interested in making others' days as pleasant as I possibly can through my actions, and I am going to think the best of you unless given good evidence to the contrary. Despite my introverted nature, I often strike up conversations with strangers, and we smile together and sometimes laugh in the few seconds or minutes that our paths cross. In that moment there's a little bond, a little golden cord of good faith that is created between two people who may never meet again but who have shared a tiny meeting of hearts. For me, it's a boost. I hope it makes the other person's day a little smoother, too. When that meeting of hearts happens with friends and family, it's my lifeline. It's just about the most important thing in the world to me. That is why the opposite of this--that I am mistaken in this meeting of hearts and that I am only a burden and a torment to those I love, that they only pretend to like me because they know telling me they really can't stand me would crush me--holds so much terror for me. It sounds really stupid when I say it out loud, but it feels overwhelming when it's just in my head.
The one good thing that comes of DOMS's torments is that I know far better what my deepest fears are, and when you can name a fear, it has less power over you. It does mean thinking through the pain of the fear, sorting out what is rational from what is irrational, and that is hard, no lie. On that particular night, as I lay in bed trying to fall asleep, my brain spun scenario after scenario that illustrated this particular deepest fear even while I mentally rolled my eyes and told myself it was all exaggerated silliness.
(The next day, I mentioned some things out loud in a group concerning this fear, and that prompted my friend, Linnea, to send me a little video message telling me that she thinks highly of me. I hadn't been fishing (and I had a momentary stab of guilt that maybe she felt obligated to send that message because of how pathetic I am--see? it's always a fight!) but I was very grateful for the fact that she took time to tell me that. It's still making my heart warm.)
Is it normal for the rational and irrational sides of your mind to battle things out like that, where I can consciously feel both the rational and irrational sides square off in my mind? I know some people don't have internal dialogues, which is hard for me to imagine. Would it be blessed silence not to be mentally talking to myself all the time?
The fear that I am a burden is a sub-fear of an even larger fear, the biggest, deepest fear I have: that I am actually, literally, worthless. Ugh. Don't even get me started on how annoying that one is to deal with. I have missed so many opportunities because I've believed that fear.
I tell you this not because I'm looking for sympathy but because someone else may have the same experience and need to know they're not alone. I blame DOMS for stirring up those fears so hard that my life stutters a bit as I deal with them. Everyone has a DOMS, whether you want to think of that demon as literal or figurative. I find that if I can (figuratively) point to DOMS and say, "This is you, you beast. This is not truth. You are trying to stop me from doing or being what I'm supposed to do or be," it helps take the edge off the fear. You can separate yourself--your identity--from the fear and think of it as Other, Not You. It is not who you are, and, therefore, it doesn't have to have power over you.
I hope that makes sense. I'm no expert, obviously, or I would have banished all my fears by now. Or, maybe it's that I'm human and can't banish all my fears, but I'm doing the best I can right now. And so are you.
I prayed about his fear. God told me it was not true, and He also said He would keep reminding me of that every time I asked.
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