So the other day, I caught up with Griff and Skyler and said, "Hey, tell me what to read," knowing that they both have extensive gospel libraries in their offices (and into Skyler's library I have secretly inserted several extra books and am waiting to see when he notices). Griff thought about it for a moment and then handed me a slim volume from one of his shelves. The title was The Divine Gift of Forgiveness, by Neil L. Andersen. Somehow, I have never read this book.
"This is a great one," he said, "and it's not too long."
He was truly inspired. I have been devouring the book, and it has made a huge difference for my mental state.
You might have noticed that I've struggled quite a bit in the last few years regarding my feelings of inadequacy/bouts of crippling perfectionism/sense of worthlessness. It's so annoying, and I know none of those feelings is worthy of consideration except to help me work to improve myself, yet the pain has been sometimes unrelenting. While I rationally know better, sometimes you just can't logic your way out of depression--or, at least, you can't logic your way out of depression for long if you haven't resolved the underlying issues.
If you haven't read The Divine Gift of Forgiveness, I suggest you get yourself a copy. I don't care what religion you are--the doctrine taught in that book will help you see clearly your relationship with Jesus Christ, both how great our debt is to Him and how great His love is for each of us.
I plowed through half the book on the first day, and that evening, Prunella texted me.
Do you remember Prunella? A few months ago, she surprised me by telling me--out of the blue--some very unflattering things she thought about me as well as some incredibly unfair and wholly untrue things she thought about one of my dear friends. I've struggled with anger about what she said about Jill (though Jill, who is sweet and good and so very, very amazing, has long since fully forgiven her), and while I've been able to feel much less angry on my own behalf, the things Prunella said skewered me so hard in the painfully tender insecurities I have about myself that I've plumbed the very depths of my deepest fears of my own worthlessness. There have been some awful nights that have driven me to my knees in mental agony. She didn't cause that pain, but what she said did fan the flames.
Anyway, Prunella texted me to tell me she has recently remarried and is very happy. She also wished to apologize for being a moron (her word), and she realized fairly quickly, through the Spirit, after having spewed all her anger at me, that I really did love her and accept her. She explained that one of the reasons she was so angry is that she has a sister who never initiates contact, and I guess my own failure to frequently initiate contact with her was a pressure point, and she eventually boiled over.
Knowing Prunella (and that's an unflattering name I gave her when I was hurt and upset), I know she was sincerely apologizing. I also know that she doesn't have a deep empathetic capability, which is a character trait and not a personal flaw. Some people are less empathetic than others, and that's a fact. I admitted to her that she had thrown me a curve ball, but I didn't tell her how difficult it has been for me to let go of what she said to me. My feelings are not her responsibility, and, to be totally honest, I still don't have a desire to expose my vulnerable underbelly to her any more than I have to. We had a little text conversation, and she felt wonderful that she'd resolved our little disagreement as she moves on into the next phase of her life in another city with her new husband.
I'm not going to tell you that I have righteously forgiven Prunella and am living happily ever after. That would be a lie. I am not angry with her anymore, and I haven't been really angry with her for a long time--mostly because anger is so exhausting and negative and is my least favorite of all the emotions--and I truly wish her all the best in her new life; but I can't feel about her the way I used to. I don't know if I could ever fully trust her again after she turned some of my heartfelt and sincere confidences around and used them against me. Maybe, someday, the last vestige of that sense of betrayal will fade away and I will know that I have completely forgiven her. Or, maybe, forgiveness is not about expecting a relationship, once shattered, to be able to go back to what it was but about seeing her as Christ sees her and accepting that she is greatly loved by Him just as much as I am loved by Him, and that His love for her does not diminish His love for me. We are both imperfect, mortal beings full of faults and flaws and hurts and biases, and we're really not so different from each other. After all, I have hurt so many people myself, even if I didn't intend to, and that's only one of my many shortcomings. I am not above anyone in the righteousness department. I am right down here with the worms and the dust of the earth. What gives me hope is that the Atonement can make up for all my failures and shortcomings, and my true sin is in thinking I am somehow exempt from that blessing and not asking for its healing in my life so that I can be better to those around me and help others see how much they, too, are loved by Him.
I have no illusions about my future of total and continual mental bliss. That will never happen. I'll have to keep relearning the same lessons over and over, I think. But for today, I have hope. I struggle, and so does everyone, but today I also have so much hope, thanks to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.
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