Eva (With Opposable Thumbs): 0; Scanner: 1

There's a picture I wanted to scan, but my scanner, which is also a printer and copier (and currently with no ink, as we also have a laser printer that works far, far better), is being difficult. By this point, I'm convinced that some diabolical computer mind is at work here.

"Scan!" I command it.

"Out of Paper," it replies.

"I don't want you to print, I want you to scan!" I tell it.

"Out of Paper. Ha ha! And I already have an item in the print queue, so your commands are trivial," it shoots back, with just a hint of a digital snicker.

"Then with my ability to exert godlike control over you, I command you to delete and cancel and henceforth forget any items already in the print queue, which I didn't want anyway, and which some child accidentally added to the print queue because they didn't know exactly which printer to send the work item to." I am rubbing my hands together with glee, anticipating Husband patting me on the back for having figured out this little computer hitch on my very own.

"Deleting...," it says, though coyly.

"Now scan!" I yell, and I can taste the triumph in the back of my throat.

But my triumph is premature.

"Out of Paper," it replies.

So I compromise and put some paper in the paper tray. Maybe if it has some paper it will try to print the item in the printing queue (though blankly) and then I can get on with my work. I hit the flashing resume button and the machine goes through a few moments of promising shifts and clunks.

"Scan," I command once again, but I think the machine can hear the slight hint of desperation in my voice.

"Out of Paper. I will now commence flashing the resume button again. And yes, the work item in the queue is still deleting. Your attempts to further cancel or delete this item will be futile as I can spend forever deleting something. In fact, I will still be deleting this item when you are laid, cold and stiff, in your grave. Plus, I'm now going to inform you that another item is scanning, so you'll have to wait until that's finished before I scan whatever piece of garbage you've stuck on my scanning bed today. But have a nice day."

Yes, I know there is a way to bring this beast to submission, and yes, I know that techy sorts of people would know immediately how to do this, Husband included. When he gets back from work, it will take him all of 30 seconds to show the scanner who's boss. My only consolation is that the machine may have won the battle but will not win the war.

To make myself feel better, I will now go slay some work writing, laying four or five newly minted blog posts on the alter of the great and terrible SEO god, and they will not only be acceptable but will achieve very high quality analysis ratings, as per usual. Stick that in your paper tray and shove it, HP Deskjet F2110.