Anger is a tricky devil. In some ways, it's as seductive as falling in love--and just as brain frazzling. The intense feelings bring on a kind of high that you can ride as long as you keep feeding the emotion, whether you're experiencing righteous indignation or pure rage. I rarely get really angry, but I'm very, very human.
I felt some really intense anger the last few days. I didn't enjoy it because I understand that my thinking becomes stilted and cloudy (well, more than usual, anyway), and I don't like working in a fog of negative emotion. Fortunately, I have learned to acknowledge my feelings and quit labeling them as "good" or "bad." They just are. I feel them and I accept that. Once I allow myself to accept it, I can start working through the reasons why in an unemotional way. I can step back, become The Watcher, and analyze why I feel so angry. Most of the time, I find that my anger happens as a result of miscommunication and misunderstanding, and these bugaboos probably account for nearly 100% of the hatred and anger in any person or situation. I also find that much of my anger stems from the consequences of my own choices. I don't accept blame for someone else's choices, but I do try to take responsibility for my own.
Unfortunately, by the time I figured it all out, the damage was done. I hurt someone's feelings terribly. I have made a sincere apology, but it may be too late to ever restore the friendship because the person I hurt has incredibly tender feelings based on many negative past experiences. And what's sad is that both of us were angry based on misunderstandings and incorrect assumptions. She assumed some things that weren't true and it took me a while to figure out that my anger stemmed from feeling resentment that I projected onto her. In reality, I was feeling resentful because of choices I had made, and I allowed myself to get into an uncomfortable situation by not setting proper boundaries. My bad.
This is cryptic, and I apologize. I don't want to get too specific because I don't want to have a place where anger can fester. The memory of this sad misunderstanding is enough, and when I read this in the future, it will serve as a warning to me to be cautious. Making decisions in anger is never wise. Saying things out of anger is deadly. Some things can never be unsaid.
One of the things I have always yearned for is wisdom. I have so very far to go.
3 comments:
I'm glad you're not angry anymore.
I wrote a longer message then lost it and can't remember how I phrased what I wanted to say so I will just say that I believe emotional boundaries are just as important as physical ones.
I refuse to be anybody's emotional hostage. I will do what I can and say what I must but I will not take accountability for how another person chooses to feel about something or their perception of reality.
Thanks for the long talk yesterday, Linnea. You helped me immensely. You're a wise woman with a great perspective.
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