Because I have had thousands of emails recently from people asking about my skincare routine, I have decided to tell you what I do to keep myself looking 25.
That was a test. Did you catch all my mistakes?
Firstly, you never start a sentence with "because." Why? Because those grammarians never think outside the box, that's why! And then they force the rest of us to follow their little rules in order to get paid. Jerks.
Secondly, I exaggerated slightly about the number of emails. I have never actually had any emails asking about my skincare routine. I believe I forced someone to listen to it once, though.
Thirdly, as much as I would LOOOOVE to look 25 and keep the mental age and wisdom of 38, I simply do not. Look 25, that is. I am certainly very wise, however. (that was also a test. What was wrong with the last sentence?)
But what the heck? For lack of anyone telling me not to, I will reveal to you my skincare routine.
I try to base my entire routine on this theme: "What do I have in the kitchen that isn't going to cost me an arm and a leg and may possibly finally stop these stupid, stupid little zits that still pop up on my decidedly UN-teenager face?" It's a long theme, but I liked it enough to cross stitch it and stick it to my refrigerator. (another test! if you know me well enough, you know that cross stitch is on my list of things influenced by the devil.)
Therefore, here is what I have found works for me:
Removing Eye Makeup: vegetable shortening. Follow with a Face Wash to remove the raccoon look the shortening will give you.
Face Wash: 2 tsp. glycerin (Walmart carries liquid glycerin in the pharmacy), 2 tsp cornstarch, 1/2 cup water; whisk together in small pot and heat until glycerin is melted enough to mix with cornstarch and water. Do not boil. Cool and place in really stylish sour cream container with a cottage cheese container lid. (Alternatively, if I can afford it, I love the Isagenix Isaderm Facial Wash. (Phase 1))
Face Scrub: 1 tsp cornmeal with a little milk. Exfoliate once or twice a week, if you remember.
Moisturizing Facial: 1 or 2 tsp plain yogurt. Slather on your face (do NOT avoid eye and mouth areas) and let it sit until you've watched an entire episode of The Simpsons on Hulu. If you've seen all the new episodes, play Spider Solitaire until you win three games. You could do something more useful, of course, but if you're pampering your face, take a minute and waste out, for goodness' sake. Wash off with warm water.
Also, I make sure I drink lots of hard water (we've got the hardest water in the country right here! Mmmmm. Tastes so good. When I move, I can feel the scale rubbing around in my intestines), eat the occasional fruit, and try not to become an absolute pig when my in-laws come to town with three suitcases full of English chocolate and treats. I said I try.
That's it! Easy peasy! I'm thinking about creating some sort of infomercial.
7 comments:
You're funny! I used to use vaseline as eye make-up remover and then I didn't like that so for several years I used nothing. Which was terrible for my skin so now I have to do stuff.
I think the great skin is because of the English chocolate!
sheesh...that is quite the routine. I usually go to bed with my make up on and then wash it off in the morning. I need to try some of these goodies!!! I could never bring myself to use lard on my face!
Yes! This skin care routine could make you rich as well as beautiful.
It's okay to use "because" the way you did, since it was in a subordinate clause, despite starting the sentence. The sort of thing you should avoid is: "Because I am hungry." But even that is defensible, I think, depending on context.
Let me state that I never claimed to have great skin. (Wait, is that a bad thing to say when one is contemplating infomercials?)
However, you are right, LeShel. English chocolate is not only good for the soul, but my sons regularly smear it all over their faces in the course of eating it, and they have excellent skin.
David S., I must confess that I have not pulled out my copy of Strunk and White in a while. I mostly wing it at my job, and I am fortunate that no one has actually called me on actual grammar rules. You are absolutely right about using "because." Because you are. Smart. :)
You crack me up. I am gonna have to give some of your concoctions a try.
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