If you're like me, you tend to overthink things. It's so irritating that my brain can take positive interactions with people and turn them into haunting questions like "do they actually find me completely annoying?" or "am I so stupid that I don't get that people are just laughing at me, not with me?" Perfectly positive and upbeat interactions get twisted into depressing question marks. I know my brain spirals are not reasonable and are not based in logic because I am not completely un-self-aware (I'm way too self-aware, which is the problem), but emotion is frequently and frustratingly impervious to logic and reason.
I got a call today from one of the ladies I am somewhat acquainted with at church. She had made a comment during a discussion on faith in our class, and she had shared some concerns she was dealing with. She was calling me because, during her comment, the ladies sitting behind her had laughed, and I guess she had been stewing over the worry that they were laughing at her because they thought she was stupid for having the concern. She even got a little emotional on the phone, which both surprised and annoyed her.
Girl, I've been there and done that!
I was happy to reassure her that the women who had chuckled were doing so in solidarity, not in derision. She had described a concern that every one of us has faced, and I told her that I always appreciate when someone is willing to make themselves vulnerable in order to ask a sincere question. Even if we don't all face the exact same situations, everyone could relate to her general concern, and that was what the women were laughing about. They wanted to communicate to this woman that they understood and commiserated.
She was relieved and thanked me before we hung up, and I have been sitting here appreciating the fact that this woman had the sense to get someone else's more objective perspective in order to help her stop spiraling. I have an incredibly difficult time making myself vulnerable, and it fascinates me when people are able to let down their guards and allow themselves to be vulnerable--especially in public. I don't know if I can do that. I feel like I can expose only certain parts of myself, but there is a part of me I protect so fiercely that I doubt I can ever expose it to anyone, even Husband. I've gotten better, but when I was young, it used to almost put me into a rage if someone was able to guess what I was thinking about something that was a sensitive topic to me--only because I felt too exposed, and not because I have any rotting skeletons in my closet. I hid the rage, which I realized was actually fear, and I have become less anxious about exposure the older I've become, but I still feel like I too carefully curate my persona so that I can protect the tenderest, most vulnerable part of myself. Is that just me or is everyone like that? Am I emotionally stunted or is that merely part of my INFJ personality?
Anyway, let's be done with that. I managed to turn this into a bit of naval gazing, didn't I? The point is that I am in awe of this woman and her willingness to ask the question in order to get an objective answer. I was happy to be able to honestly and unreservedly reassure her that the women who laughed were on her side. I cannot imagine any of the women in that room would have purposefully laughed at her to make her feel bad. They just aren't like that.
Sophia and Matt have come over to hang out and play Mario Party with Husband and the other kids, so I am going to go make some chicken parmesan to keep them here for dinner. Whatever else I am, I am pretty confident in my cooking skills.
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