The Light! It Burns!

 I have found, over time, that I have a plethora of fears, but what I didn't know is that I also have raging photophobia.

Photophobia is an "abnormal intolerance to visual perception of light," according to the people at Wikipedia, and they're not wrong in this case. I like seeing things as much as the next gal, but I prefer to see things whilst wearing shades. I like my lights on a dimmer switch. To be clear, though, I do not run screaming in fear if someone switches on a light. My photophobia has not yet turned me into a vampire.

I believe it all stems back to a brilliantly sunny winter's day in Northern Minnesota, circa 1985. Young Eva had just been to the eye doctor, who dilated her pupils to their full extent before sending her off into the great outdoors with no eye protection at all (she was inexperienced enough not to know to ask for those little curly sunglasses). As she sat in the back of the car, thrilling at how brightly the unfettered sun gleamed against the blurry newly fallen white snow, she had no idea that in the future, that same sight would cause piercing headaches unless she wore sunglasses (and sometimes even then). 

As an adult, I installed black-out curtains on the windows in my bedroom, and I don't necessarily open them even during the day when I am alone. Husband does because he is not overly sensitive to light and he loves how much light pours into our south-facing windows, but then I feel like I want to grab my sunglasses and wear them inside my own bedroom. I've always felt weird about that. I guess I had a reason for it, though.

WebMD states that photophobia might also be more strongly prevalent in people with anxiety, among other mental health conditions. Chicken or egg? I don't feel like I was an overly anxious kid, but I've certainly upped my anxiety levels in later life. Does one affect the other? And which way is it? 

Of course, the need to always wear sunglasses outdoors is not a huge burden. It's merely inconvenient. What is a huge burden is that I cannot handle fluorescent or LED bulbs for long periods of time because I'm incredibly sensitive to the flicker. Like, abnormally intolerant of it. I have never liked fluorescent lights (who does?), but I did not know I had this much of an issue until I began working in an office lit by fluorescent lights. At first it wasn't a problem; but over time, I noticed that I was growing nauseated after a few hours of walking into work--and then after just a few minutes--and the nausea didn't let up until after I left work. I felt like I was morning sick all the time but without the eventual reward of an adorable baby to show for it. 

Finally, I figured it out. It's the lights! The next day, I brought in and set up a couple table lamps with incandescent bulbs and kept the overhead fluorescent lights off, et voila! Problem solved! No more nausea! My office looks like a dark little cozy cave with just the two lamps (so far), but I added a big fake tree (which will soon be festooned with fairy lights) and am almost finished with my other plant-related office decor, so my office will soon look like a dark little cozy forest glen. It's especially full of ambience when I play quiet study music. I will add a couple floor lamps as soon as possible, but my boss wanted to see if the facilities management boss would approve the cost of those (claiming medical needs) before I go out and buy them on my own. For now, however, I crouch, contented, in my little cave, visited frequently by curious seekers of wisdom, who peer in at the crone through the cave's murky portal before asking her for answers to their questions about life. Well, I'm visited by the students, anyway, who need to know which classes they're in. And Maria, the building cleaner, never, ever lets my office windows get murky. But it's still a mood.

What's annoying is that I now can't even eat my lunch in the empty classroom that we use as a lunchroom without getting nauseated after a few minutes, and not just because the talk occasionally turns political. My intolerance increases. To the fluorescents, I mean. I don't mind the political talk, really.

So does my anxiety level determine my photophobia? Or does my exposure to fluorescent lighting increase my anxiety? Being constantly nauseated increased my stress, of course, and I definitely feel less stressed now that I look forward to feeling fine all day at work, yet my sensitivity to the flicker of fluorescents increases. So I don't know if this is a philosophical problem or a purely physical problem. I'm just happy that I no longer spend the majority of my day preventing my stomach from turning inside out.