Woman to Woman: Knock It Off!

As you know, I do contract work for the company that recently laid me off as a full-time worker. (Yeah, they're getting a great deal, but even if it's humbling and pays way less than before, I can still work from home, which is necessary for those times--like today--when a kid has an asthma issue and I need to be here. It's a blessing.)

Anyway, the point is that I know the people with whom I have contact and who ask me to do specific work and give me the information to complete it. One of them is the developer/project manager, who is a young, bright, seriously talented woman. When my former manager and I worked there, we were the three women in the entire agency. Now she's the only woman working with all those guys.

One thing about this woman (let's call her Shelly) is that her communication style is very masculine. I noticed that right away. It was in stark contrast to the way my manager and I tended to communicate, which is very feminine. I won't launch into a diatribe about how women are taught to communicate from childhood except to say that we are not supposed to be overly direct or make blatant demands or tell someone they are dead wrong. We tend to apologize a lot or play down our needs in various ways. I'm often totally guilty of communicating that way.

Shelly, on the other hand, says what she thinks. She asks direct questions and explains what she needs in order to do her job. She is not angry or arrogant or stuck-up. She is just very competent and direct. She never apologizes for existing. I liked how she communicated, even when I felt that her blunt manner could open the door for miscommunication. Because she had trained me in several technical programs over the months I worked there, I knew that she is also very patient and would never intentionally offend or belittle anyone. 

So, yesterday, one of the account managers (a man) asked me via email for some clarification on something I had done for a client. I explained, but I still didn't make it incredibly clear. Shelly, who was part of the conversation, asked me another clarifying question, and I realized where I had failed to clearly explain myself. I fixed it, and then I jokingly said something to the effect of 'Whoops! I switched topics on you and expected you to ready my mind. But, hey, I'm a girl that way.'

As soon as I sent it, I cringed. Where did that come from? And why in the world would I make that sort of reply to Shelly, of all people? I've joked about stereotypical girl stuff with another of my friends, but no one can see you being sarcastic in an email.

Sure enough, Shelly immediately wrote me a private response calling me out and telling me to knock it off, but she did it in the kindest of terms. Here it is:

Just as a personal note from women to women. 

Women are just as intelligent as men. We are not scattered, stupid, illogical, or anything else. I know you're joking. All women do it sometimes (including myself), cause it's silly and an easy way for us to write off little things. But it does us no good. If you talk that way (even jokingly) about yourself, people believe it. You're better than that. 

I don't want this to come off condescending, or anything like that. I don't want you to feel bad, awkward or stupid. I just don't want to see women continue to play themselves down when they have so much to offer. It's this attitude that keeps others believing the same things about us. Things that are not true yet hold us back from truly competing at a higher level. 

Anyway, I hesitate to even send this because I don't want you to take offense, but I'd like to send it so you are aware you're doing it (sometimes we don't recognize these random things we say). I'd want someone to tell me if I was playing myself down in little ways. So maybe you care, maybe you don't. But I do think you're better than writing your intelligence off. 

I hope you have a good day :) Thanks for all you do. 

I wrote back and told her I was not offended and that I considered it a compliment that she would call me out. The reminder will stick with me. For some reason, I had a little cry, and I think it was because she cared enough to tell me not to belittle myself.

So, ladies, Shelly's right. Knock it off. We're smart, we can say what we need to say without having to beat around the bush or apologize for existing. We can be direct while still being considerate. We can explain what we need in clear terms.

It's okay.

We're worth it.