Read this, don't read this. I'm just warning you now that I'm going to go all grandma on you and talk about my health issues. Best to click away now.
Too late. Should have clicked away already.
So, my weight loss journey so far: over 40 pounds and stalled. I'm not gaining, but I'm really struggling to be motivated in a way that will propel me to start serious losing again. Why? I thought you'd never ask!
Issue the First: I don't know if it's the rapid weight loss, my age, or what I'm eating, but my cycle has become all kinds of messed up. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT GIRL THINGS, LOOK AWAY NOW! For instance, I was...menstruating?...all through the month of August. Things were weird. I'll just leave it at that and not give you gory details. It could be that it's one of the signs of pre-menopause; it could be that all the soy protein I've been eating has messed with my hormones (soy isolate is a goitrogen, which can dampen thyroid hormones); or it could be just the rapid weight loss, because things have been a little weird since I started dropping weight. They just weren't that weird until August.
I went to the doctor, and she suggested a CAT scan or an ultrasound, but our insurance had just renewed for the year, which meant our deductibles were all fresh and greedy for a new year of medical costs, and all I could see was dollar signs adding up and a distinct "cha-ching" sound echoing through my head. I told her I'd rather wait a couple more months and see how things go, but in the meantime, I requested a full blood workup to see where things are. I should get the results soon.
After I told my mom about my symptoms, she remembered that my grandmother (who is still alive, by the way, and is 93), had similar symptoms when she was just a couple years older than I am now. She was diagnosed with uterine fibroid tumors on the outside of her uterus, and back then, the way they dealt with that was by giving her a hysterectomy. I looked up fibroid tumors and found that they rarely feel the need to give a woman a hysterectomy for them anymore. There are other, less severe, methods of dealing with them, including just leaving things be if you aren't in serious pain or aren't losing too much blood. If I have fibroid tumors, I'll probably just leave it be. As the doctor pointed out, it isn't recommended for middle-aged women to take birth control to stop menstruation because of the increased risk of blood clots. Not that I have ever enjoyed taking birth control pills the two times I've tried it. Ugh. I mean, your body thinks it's pregnant, and when I'm pregnant, I get constantly nauseated and emotional. Why would I do that voluntarily without the reward of an adorable baby at the end of it?
Issue the Second: the fatigue. Oh, the fatigue! Like a soaking wet piece of burlap draped over me, weighing me down, making my feet feel like lead, and forcing me to think thoughts through a damp haze. There is no time of the day when I don't feel like I've been up for 48 hours straight--even after a full night's sleep! By 8pm, I'm fighting the urge to lie down on the floor and cry and kick my heels like a tired and cranky toddler. I may not kick my heels, but I do slump over and do a dry cry, with no tears, before I force myself to get through the evening's activities. My lovely son, Joseph, has made dinner the last two nights simply because he saw how tired I was and helpfully volunteered. (He may end up being the only one of my children who moves out of the house knowing how to cook. Goodness knows my girls were never interested in learning!)
I went to a meeting a week ago, and after the invocation, I heard myself sincerely adding, "And please, please let someone at home make dinner for everyone and not wait for me to get home and do it."
Spoiler: they waited. Sigh.
I was hoping weight loss would fix the fatigue. I really, really was. I still think it's diet that is the underlying cause of this chronic fatigue, so I've been researching and researching all the standard and non-standard ways of eating that are out there because what I'm eating now is not making me feel energetic in any way. But then I remember that I was beginning to feel the wet burlap settle on me back when I was at my most active and at my healthiest weight back in college, so I don't think it's fat stores that have caused it. My diet did change when I moved out, so maybe that was it. Or maybe I'm just doomed. Either way, I'm tired of trying to eat healthfully just because it takes so much thought and physical preparation. Plus, there's the palate fatigue to deal with. I admit that I ate a package of ramen noodles after I got home from work today. Chicken flavor. With some of the broth. And I really enjoyed that way too much despite knowing they're pretty much poison. I won't slide back into my unhealthy eating habits, however, because I have no desire to add back all the weight I've lost. It makes me sick just thinking about getting that fat again.
Thanks for letting me vent, if anyone has even made it all the way to this sentence. (I told you to click away, remember? I'm looking out for you.) But venting here prevents me from telling random passers-by my woes or going on and on about it to Husband. He knows my worries. He just doesn't need to hear about it all the time.
I'll let you know if I find anything that works. Maybe my experience will help someone else.
Thursday, September 13, 2018
Tuesday, September 11, 2018
A New Era
Yesterday, I made Elannah laugh so hard she cried when I admitted that one time I answered the phone and some random sales guy asked me if I was [my mother's name] and I said yes without thinking and then the conversation went on for about 30 seconds before I remembered that I am not my mother and had to interrupt the caller to correct myself and there was this long pause while we both pondered why it took me that long to figure it out.
And I was an adult when that happened. Married, with children.
Elannah had to wipe tears away. She said, "You literally turned into your mother!" I warned her it would happen to her, too, someday. Maybe not in that exact same way.
For some reason, I remembered that curious little incident because she was telling me about these two girls she has become good friends with this year and how the three of them have great texting banter. "Banter" was the word she deliberately used to describe their conversations. Don't ask now what the exact connection was between female bantering and that tale of my complete loss of self-identity because I don't remember. I'm a little sleep deprived.
But my sleep deprivation also comes with a lovely little story of its own: my delightful, intelligent, tiny, amazing, preemie grandson finally got to come home from the hospital. I invited myself over to Sian's and Nathan's house this last weekend for two reasons: to let Sian get some sleep and to reassure her that she is a good mother.
Mission one: Sian and Nathan are too paranoid to let Tyler sleep while not being watched over. The nurses and doctors put the fear of God into them about newborns suffocating, so they now refuse to swaddle him or prop him up with a tightly rolled blanket against his back while he's sleeping--both things I used to do with my own newborns. Therefore, they take shifts in the night. Since I was there, we divided the night into three 3-hour shifts, and I volunteered for the middle one, 2-5am.
The only problem was that they have the one bed in their one-bedroom apartment, and Tyler sleeps out in the living room on a little makeshift bed on the couch because he currently refuses to sleep in his crib (the mattress is cold, and they're too worried about suffocation to put a sheet on it). Since Nathan had the first shift, I didn't have a problem sleeping with my daughter on their king-size bed for a few hours. But when Sian came in at 5am to take her shift, I told her to go back to bed. Not only did I want her to get more sleep, but I felt it might be kind of awkward to sleep in the same bed with my son-in-law. Love the guy, but that crosses some kind of line, amiright? So Sian got a full night of sleep and Nathan slept in the next morning and also got some good sleep. Parents of newborns really need that. Bonus: no awkwardness ensued.
Mission two: I have nothing but respect for the caring and knowledgable nurses and doctors who take such good care of preemies in the NICU. The unexpected consequence of having a baby in the NICU for nearly two months, however, is that a new mother constantly gets corrected or instructed on how to take care of her baby, and it's easy to start doubting your own mothering abilities and instincts. This is the case with Sian, and now that she doesn't have nurses and monitors telling her every little thing about Tyler, she feels overwhelmed and inadequate. So I spent a lot of time encouraging her and praising her as she very expertly fed him, burped him, changed his diaper, and reacted to all his little needs. I did not give her advice or tell her that she should do things the way I did them. She's doing a fine job, and I think she just needed to be validated, which I am perfectly happy to do. If there are two people in the world who will be good parents, it's my daughter and son-in-law.
While I was down at my oldest daughter's place, my third daughter was at my house. She's recently moved down to Utah Valley to get a job before attending college, but she still has duties as the reigning queen of our city, so on Saturday she needed to head back there to fulfill some of those duties. Also to see her boyfriend and give him presents for his birthday. But I'm sure her major reason was to fulfill her duties and see her dad, brothers, and sister. I'm sure.
What's great about Sophia's new living arrangement is that Gabrielle also moved in to the same house. It's a good house in a good neighborhood with good roommates. Gabrielle had lived with her previous roomies for three years now, but it was time for a change, and I was very grateful that she hopped on the chance to snag the empty room that was still available in Sophia's new place. She also got Sophia a job where she's working, which is at Geomni. It's a good full-time job with excellent pay, so now Sophia (who was living off her savings until she got a job) can afford long-term to pay rent, buy food, save for school, and enjoy a social life and entertainment. I couldn't be happier about this turn of events. It's kind of my dream to have my girls living with each other and looking out for each other, and I love that both of them also live close to Sian and Nathan and their new nephew.
Sophia's move has been really hard on Elannah, though. Sophia and Elannah are best friends, and it was difficult for Elannah after Sophia graduated from high school. Elannah also broke up with her boyfriend (I'm not sad about that, and it was her choice. He's a great kid, but they're young and I want Elannah to date more people), so she felt like she didn't have any close friends to be with at school this year. This is why I'm happy that she's found a couple of girls with whom she gets along so well and who share her dry sense of humor. She and her ex are back to being good friends (she can't imagine dating him again, however), and she's got some good male friends, but there's nothing like having a couple really good female friends who have your back.
Elannah also has a strong sense of duty as an older sister because Joseph started high school this year as a freshman, and she wants him to be comfortable. Joseph, as you know, was in the district's homebound program throughout junior high, and I was ready to sign him up for it again for high school when he announced that he wanted to register for classes and go to school for 9th grade. So I jumped on that, and he's thrived with all his new classes. You have no idea how much of a relief that is for Husband and me that he's taking such big steps to overcome his anxiety.
Yesterday evening, even as I got hit hard by the delayed effects of the sleep deprivation of the weekend (this is why you have babies when you're young!), I felt a great sense of satisfaction and joy as I sat with my sons and daughter and husband and had dinner and laughed and talked together. Life is good.
And I was an adult when that happened. Married, with children.
Elannah had to wipe tears away. She said, "You literally turned into your mother!" I warned her it would happen to her, too, someday. Maybe not in that exact same way.
For some reason, I remembered that curious little incident because she was telling me about these two girls she has become good friends with this year and how the three of them have great texting banter. "Banter" was the word she deliberately used to describe their conversations. Don't ask now what the exact connection was between female bantering and that tale of my complete loss of self-identity because I don't remember. I'm a little sleep deprived.
But my sleep deprivation also comes with a lovely little story of its own: my delightful, intelligent, tiny, amazing, preemie grandson finally got to come home from the hospital. I invited myself over to Sian's and Nathan's house this last weekend for two reasons: to let Sian get some sleep and to reassure her that she is a good mother.
Mission one: Sian and Nathan are too paranoid to let Tyler sleep while not being watched over. The nurses and doctors put the fear of God into them about newborns suffocating, so they now refuse to swaddle him or prop him up with a tightly rolled blanket against his back while he's sleeping--both things I used to do with my own newborns. Therefore, they take shifts in the night. Since I was there, we divided the night into three 3-hour shifts, and I volunteered for the middle one, 2-5am.
The only problem was that they have the one bed in their one-bedroom apartment, and Tyler sleeps out in the living room on a little makeshift bed on the couch because he currently refuses to sleep in his crib (the mattress is cold, and they're too worried about suffocation to put a sheet on it). Since Nathan had the first shift, I didn't have a problem sleeping with my daughter on their king-size bed for a few hours. But when Sian came in at 5am to take her shift, I told her to go back to bed. Not only did I want her to get more sleep, but I felt it might be kind of awkward to sleep in the same bed with my son-in-law. Love the guy, but that crosses some kind of line, amiright? So Sian got a full night of sleep and Nathan slept in the next morning and also got some good sleep. Parents of newborns really need that. Bonus: no awkwardness ensued.
Mission two: I have nothing but respect for the caring and knowledgable nurses and doctors who take such good care of preemies in the NICU. The unexpected consequence of having a baby in the NICU for nearly two months, however, is that a new mother constantly gets corrected or instructed on how to take care of her baby, and it's easy to start doubting your own mothering abilities and instincts. This is the case with Sian, and now that she doesn't have nurses and monitors telling her every little thing about Tyler, she feels overwhelmed and inadequate. So I spent a lot of time encouraging her and praising her as she very expertly fed him, burped him, changed his diaper, and reacted to all his little needs. I did not give her advice or tell her that she should do things the way I did them. She's doing a fine job, and I think she just needed to be validated, which I am perfectly happy to do. If there are two people in the world who will be good parents, it's my daughter and son-in-law.
While I was down at my oldest daughter's place, my third daughter was at my house. She's recently moved down to Utah Valley to get a job before attending college, but she still has duties as the reigning queen of our city, so on Saturday she needed to head back there to fulfill some of those duties. Also to see her boyfriend and give him presents for his birthday. But I'm sure her major reason was to fulfill her duties and see her dad, brothers, and sister. I'm sure.
What's great about Sophia's new living arrangement is that Gabrielle also moved in to the same house. It's a good house in a good neighborhood with good roommates. Gabrielle had lived with her previous roomies for three years now, but it was time for a change, and I was very grateful that she hopped on the chance to snag the empty room that was still available in Sophia's new place. She also got Sophia a job where she's working, which is at Geomni. It's a good full-time job with excellent pay, so now Sophia (who was living off her savings until she got a job) can afford long-term to pay rent, buy food, save for school, and enjoy a social life and entertainment. I couldn't be happier about this turn of events. It's kind of my dream to have my girls living with each other and looking out for each other, and I love that both of them also live close to Sian and Nathan and their new nephew.
Sophia's move has been really hard on Elannah, though. Sophia and Elannah are best friends, and it was difficult for Elannah after Sophia graduated from high school. Elannah also broke up with her boyfriend (I'm not sad about that, and it was her choice. He's a great kid, but they're young and I want Elannah to date more people), so she felt like she didn't have any close friends to be with at school this year. This is why I'm happy that she's found a couple of girls with whom she gets along so well and who share her dry sense of humor. She and her ex are back to being good friends (she can't imagine dating him again, however), and she's got some good male friends, but there's nothing like having a couple really good female friends who have your back.
Elannah also has a strong sense of duty as an older sister because Joseph started high school this year as a freshman, and she wants him to be comfortable. Joseph, as you know, was in the district's homebound program throughout junior high, and I was ready to sign him up for it again for high school when he announced that he wanted to register for classes and go to school for 9th grade. So I jumped on that, and he's thrived with all his new classes. You have no idea how much of a relief that is for Husband and me that he's taking such big steps to overcome his anxiety.
Yesterday evening, even as I got hit hard by the delayed effects of the sleep deprivation of the weekend (this is why you have babies when you're young!), I felt a great sense of satisfaction and joy as I sat with my sons and daughter and husband and had dinner and laughed and talked together. Life is good.
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