I remember a few months ago that I was driving alone down the road (I even remember which road it was and where on that road it happened), and I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that I used to be so much smarter than I am now. I could almost remember being that smart--orders of intelligence greater--and I could feel the difference between how much smarter and more intelligent I was then and what I am now. I knew in that moment that at some point, information I took in was effortlessly analyzed, leading me to an accurate big picture forecast because of my clear grasp of all possible details, and that my mind was able to lay out the possibilities before me in crystal clear detail in the blink of an eye.
It was an incredibly frustrating moment. It was like having a strong memory flashback without getting the key details. I knew it was true, but I couldn't remember why or how. The feeling kept slamming into me strongly for a week or so after that, while now it hits me only on occasion. But it was such a significant event that it has carved out a well-traveled neuronal pathway in my permanent memory.
If this is a memory, when was I that brilliant? It certainly isn't in this lifetime, even though I know I'm reasonably intelligent on my best days. Echoes of that "memory" suggest that I still think in the same manner, and that the way I approach and analyze information is part of my core personality; but now it's like my head is full of porridge, and I'm struggling to break through that sticky mess every time I learn or analyze information. Given everything else I know and believe, I concluded that this memory is somehow connected to my existence before I was born into mortality.
Before I had a mortal body, before I was born into this world, I was wicked smart.
That's both frustrating and uplifting to think about. It gives me hope that at some future time the porridge in my head will be gone. Sure, I'll be dead then (or "graduated," as I like to think of it), but I'm not afraid of dying. For now, though, I wonder why I was allowed to have that glimmer. I suspect it was to give me hope and to spur me on to do what I need to be doing in this life. I've been really slacking lately.
Anyway, what brought on this little mental musing was that I was watching this guy on YouTube take stuff I've been learning about for the last few years and assemble it clearly into a step-by-step series of actions. His conclusion is my conclusion, but he doesn't seem to have porridge in his head. He is able to retain what he learns and speak about it very well. I always admire that in a person. I envy it, too, even if my envy is without malice.
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Beautiful People of the World
I'm always amazed at the variety of personalities this world contains.
My substitute bus attendant, Tay, finally managed to get his own route on another bus. He'd been on my bus for weeks, so the kids were used to him; but it was good for him to be able to have his own route. Having a route of his own gives him a lot more financial stability, and that will help him reduce his anxiety.
We got along fine, even if sometimes I was tired and tended to respond to his constant monologue about his life with grunts and short responses. I did realize after a while that his social anxiety drives a lot of what he does and how he is, so I had patience most of the time. We found common ground in talk of cooking, occasional politics, and various funny YouTube videos he showed me during our break. I count him as a friend, and I know he felt safe to be himself in my presence, so that was good.
Now that he has his own route, I've been getting other sub attendants on my bus. Each of them are so different. Each of them has different interests and hobbies and beliefs and personality traits.
Yesterday, my attendant told me about how she found out her mother was not being cared for--contrary to what she'd been told--and how she went to rescue her from what turned out to be a fairly hellish existence. Now they live together, and her mother is loved and cared for even as she deals with the onset of dementia. While she loves bland foods, her daughter likes to sneak in new and interesting dishes just to see how she likes them.
My attendant for today is fantastic with the kids. She's probably the best attendant I've ever worked with in that way. I just started a new route that takes me out to the far reaches of a nearby town during one of my runs, so it's a long ride for the kids to school and back. All the way, she sat by them, talked to them, played "I Spy" with them, and discussed their innocent little interests. When I told her that I suspect one little girl might be on the autistic spectrum because of her behavior and that the only words I'd ever heard her speak were the alphabet song, this attendant sat next to her and whispered quietly to her, humming the alphabet song. The little girl actually responded to her with words. That's the first time I have ever seen that happen with this adorable little child.
This attendant has also made herself a mom to various teenagers who live in difficult family situations. At her house, they get fed and nourished with both food and love. Though she could only have two children of her own, she is a true mother to many more who need a safe place to be that contains plenty of love and high behavior expectations. The kids live up to her example and expectations because they know she truly cares. I imagine that their lives have been turned onto a much better path because of this woman.
It was very easy to see how she is a life changer by the way she interacts with my little preschoolers.
Unless I get called in to do a substitute bus run for another driver tomorrow, today is my last day of driving before the Christmas break. I'm not sad about that. I could use some napping time.
My substitute bus attendant, Tay, finally managed to get his own route on another bus. He'd been on my bus for weeks, so the kids were used to him; but it was good for him to be able to have his own route. Having a route of his own gives him a lot more financial stability, and that will help him reduce his anxiety.
We got along fine, even if sometimes I was tired and tended to respond to his constant monologue about his life with grunts and short responses. I did realize after a while that his social anxiety drives a lot of what he does and how he is, so I had patience most of the time. We found common ground in talk of cooking, occasional politics, and various funny YouTube videos he showed me during our break. I count him as a friend, and I know he felt safe to be himself in my presence, so that was good.
Now that he has his own route, I've been getting other sub attendants on my bus. Each of them are so different. Each of them has different interests and hobbies and beliefs and personality traits.
Yesterday, my attendant told me about how she found out her mother was not being cared for--contrary to what she'd been told--and how she went to rescue her from what turned out to be a fairly hellish existence. Now they live together, and her mother is loved and cared for even as she deals with the onset of dementia. While she loves bland foods, her daughter likes to sneak in new and interesting dishes just to see how she likes them.
My attendant for today is fantastic with the kids. She's probably the best attendant I've ever worked with in that way. I just started a new route that takes me out to the far reaches of a nearby town during one of my runs, so it's a long ride for the kids to school and back. All the way, she sat by them, talked to them, played "I Spy" with them, and discussed their innocent little interests. When I told her that I suspect one little girl might be on the autistic spectrum because of her behavior and that the only words I'd ever heard her speak were the alphabet song, this attendant sat next to her and whispered quietly to her, humming the alphabet song. The little girl actually responded to her with words. That's the first time I have ever seen that happen with this adorable little child.
This attendant has also made herself a mom to various teenagers who live in difficult family situations. At her house, they get fed and nourished with both food and love. Though she could only have two children of her own, she is a true mother to many more who need a safe place to be that contains plenty of love and high behavior expectations. The kids live up to her example and expectations because they know she truly cares. I imagine that their lives have been turned onto a much better path because of this woman.
It was very easy to see how she is a life changer by the way she interacts with my little preschoolers.
Unless I get called in to do a substitute bus run for another driver tomorrow, today is my last day of driving before the Christmas break. I'm not sad about that. I could use some napping time.
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