Monday, March 22, 2010

I Vote NOOOOOO!

Ooooh. I've got some things to say about this Healthcare Bill. I've been just stewing about it all day. While I don't have time to write the full 50-page essay entitled, "Why This Bill Stinks," let me just cut the suspense you feel in awaiting my opinion by saying,

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Don't worry. I have a blog post draft saved on the subject, but I'm very incoherent right now. I have to order my thoughts, but I have to wait until I've made dinner and attended to the sick children littering the house, moaning and complaining about sore throats and fevers and ear infections. Sheesh. Suck it up!

(I'm kidding, of course. My poor kids. If it's not the flu, it's Strep Throat and ear infections and asthma emergencies. Who knew moving 45 miles could make you so sick? I'm just lucky I have been able to stay healthy and take care of them, the little darlings, who are about to be sent letters stating that the truant officers have been called because of all the missed days of school.)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Only Two Easy Payments of $19.99!

Because I have had thousands of emails recently from people asking about my skincare routine, I have decided to tell you what I do to keep myself looking 25.

That was a test. Did you catch all my mistakes?

Firstly, you never start a sentence with "because." Why? Because those grammarians never think outside the box, that's why! And then they force the rest of us to follow their little rules in order to get paid. Jerks.

Secondly, I exaggerated slightly about the number of emails. I have never actually had any emails asking about my skincare routine. I believe I forced someone to listen to it once, though.

Thirdly, as much as I would LOOOOVE to look 25 and keep the mental age and wisdom of 38, I simply do not. Look 25, that is. I am certainly very wise, however. (that was also a test. What was wrong with the last sentence?)

But what the heck? For lack of anyone telling me not to, I will reveal to you my skincare routine.

I try to base my entire routine on this theme: "What do I have in the kitchen that isn't going to cost me an arm and a leg and may possibly finally stop these stupid, stupid little zits that still pop up on my decidedly UN-teenager face?" It's a long theme, but I liked it enough to cross stitch it and stick it to my refrigerator. (another test! if you know me well enough, you know that cross stitch is on my list of things influenced by the devil.)

Therefore, here is what I have found works for me:
Removing Eye Makeup: vegetable shortening. Follow with a Face Wash to remove the raccoon look the shortening will give you.
Face Wash: 2 tsp. glycerin (Walmart carries liquid glycerin in the pharmacy), 2 tsp cornstarch, 1/2 cup water; whisk together in small pot and heat until glycerin is melted enough to mix with cornstarch and water. Do not boil. Cool and place in really stylish sour cream container with a cottage cheese container lid. (Alternatively, if I can afford it, I love the Isagenix Isaderm Facial Wash. (Phase 1))
Face Scrub: 1 tsp cornmeal with a little milk. Exfoliate once or twice a week, if you remember.
Moisturizing Facial: 1 or 2 tsp plain yogurt. Slather on your face (do NOT avoid eye and mouth areas) and let it sit until you've watched an entire episode of The Simpsons on Hulu. If you've seen all the new episodes, play Spider Solitaire until you win three games. You could do something more useful, of course, but if you're pampering your face, take a minute and waste out, for goodness' sake. Wash off with warm water.

Also, I make sure I drink lots of hard water (we've got the hardest water in the country right here! Mmmmm. Tastes so good. When I move, I can feel the scale rubbing around in my intestines), eat the occasional fruit, and try not to become an absolute pig when my in-laws come to town with three suitcases full of English chocolate and treats. I said I try.

That's it! Easy peasy! I'm thinking about creating some sort of infomercial.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Am I Just A Little Stressed?

I am trying to keep my brain sharp amidst the hubbub of household chores and using the thesaurus so much that I think it's become sentient (alert, cognizant, knowing) and is signing a petition to unionize.

Keeping my mind sharp mostly consists of listening to the radio talk shows that bore my children to death while I throw together yet another dinner involving pasta. I have also read several books lately, but I can't claim that they've been the sort that do more than amuse.

Yet my brain is so sharp that it sometimes wakes me up in the middle of the night to remind me to worry about things. A Strident Little Voice in my head (a voice that sounds suspiciously like my scary first-grade teacher) starts repeating over and over that the most important thing in the universe to stress about RIGHT NOW is (for instance) that I get those new insurance cards into the vehicles right away. I'm ambushed, you see, being stuck in my most helpless state of mind. After a while, my gullible Subconscious Mind, bored of manufacturing visuals to explain the random trivia and movie clips in my head, has opened the door to the Strident Little Voice, and after listening to its impassioned plea for a while, becomes absolutely convinced that getting those insurance cards into the vehicles is the only thing that will save the world from certain and sure destruction. My Subconscious Mind then starts pushing all the emergency buttons randomly in a frantic state of alarm, setting off the bells and sirens of Fight or Flight. The horrific din eventually rouses my Logical Mind, which turns over sleepily and demands to know the reason for the noise, then tells the Subconscious Mind to calm down and shut up: we'll all get those insurance cards into the vehicles when we get up in the morning. No need to keep going on like that when it's only 4:30 am . But the Subconscious Mind, already in a state of panic and goaded by the Strident Little Voice, is not mollified so easily. For another hour, at least, it keeps screaming and hollering. I wake up grumpy and out of sorts and start looking for those expletive insurance cards.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who deals with this situation. If I am, maybe I need some sort of medication.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I'm Not Psychic AND I'm Unreliable

Wow. I'm so very reliable. And guess what: I'm not even posting pictures at this time.

My kids accuse me all the time of going back on my promises, but the thing is, I have learned to give disclaimers after everything I say we may possibly do. I'll say something like, "I really need to go to the store and get some more milk," and five kids will chime in wanting to accompany me (argh!), but at the moment I utter the statement about going to the store, I'm in the middle of seven other things and remember that I also have to drive [insert child's name] to [insert destination] and still make dinner and complete my text writing for work and possibly get the laundry folded if I can squeeze it in. So, later, when I announce that it's bedtime, I get a chorus of wails and accusations.

"You promised we were going to the store and I could come and I wanted to go because I wanted to wear my Heelies [shoes with wheels in the heels] and buy something with my money and now you're BREAKING YOUR PROMISE!"

All I said was I needed milk.

So now I have learned to either keep my mouth shut in the first place or, if I have unwisely spoken out loud, to add the disclaimer, "...but I don't know if I can do that anytime in the next few years or so."

Which reminds me: I should get some pictures posted, but I get distracted and so I don't know if I can do that anytime in the next few years or so.

(Not that any of you have accused me of breaking my promise. For that I thank you from the depths of my heart.)

So, want to hear the latest news? If you're still reading this, I'll assume you'll continue, possibly because of the laws of inertia.

Husband has submitted his short story to several publications and it has been rejected every time. While it's discouraging, he is keeping in mind that he may have hours and hours of writing ahead of him before he gets published at all. Personally, (and this is a professional opinion and not merely a doting wife's opinion) I think his story is hilarious and well written. The first time I read it, I laughed so hard I was choking. Just last night I suggested he submit it to some British publications, as his humor is, naturally, British and may appeal or be understood more over there. He is almost finished giving his novel the once-over, but I think he's going to change the plot line a little.

My work as a professional writer and editor is both fun and exhausting. I often get clients who expect me to be psychic and this happens more often then you would think. I will get some information from them and then write up two or three pages of website text, only to find that they are upset because I didn't add information that they were apparently only sending me mind-to-mind. Usually, when I explain that my psychic powers are, as yet, mostly undeveloped, they are very nice about it. A couple clients have been upset enough to get really mad. When that happens, I just pass them up the line to my more psychic supervisor. I also haven't written text for the same type of website twice. I've done plush dolls, a clothing boutique, insurance adjusters, and electrical services, to name a few. I don't know much about most of that stuff. I'm mostly winging it.

The kids are doing well. Sian got a part in the high school play, which surprised her. She only tried out because she has to get 40 hours of backstage work in for this semester of her stage crew class, and the current school play is Man of La Mancha, which requires the actors onstage to move sets and scenery. She figured the only way she'd get enough hours was to actually be in the play, so she tried out for the chorus. She ended up getting an actual part (the horse and a gypsy). I think she may have caught the acting bug now.

Gabrielle managed to break her little toe over the Christmas holidays, so she has been on crutches for a while. She was running down the stairs and slipped at the bottom, ramming her foot into the door jamb of the family room. (Did you know Walmart will lend you crutches for a $25 deposit? You get the money back when you bring the crutches back.) This has put a crimp on her active lifestyle, of course. She's having a hard time accepting that she can't play basketball for a few more weeks.

The rest of the kids are doing well. I could go into individual descriptions, but this post would become more like a tome, although I just checked the length and it's at least a novella.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Don't Drop Dead With Shock

I have batteries for the camera! I knew if I waited long enough I would find an amazing deal on batteries and be very happy I kept forgetting to buy batteries. Sure enough, good things come to those who procrastinate or have a Swiss-cheese memory.

Now ask me if I've gone around and taken pictures of the house.
Go on.

no.

But I will tonight because -- cue the angelic trumpets -- all the kids did their chores and the house is in an almost completely tidy state. That was before dinner, of course, so you will have to excuse the kitchen. It is what it is. Just know that I did have it shining and spotless for whole minutes earlier today.

I'll post the pictures tomorrow. Tonight it's bedtime for the children 'cause I'm tired.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Unorganized Ramblings During the Holiday Corridor

Goodbye, Thanksgiving. Hello, Christmas.

Time sure does fly. I call this the Holiday Corridor, which starts with Halloween and goes frantically until the end of the year. Because I tend to visualize most things, this time of year is a visual of a big mess in my head. There is a feeling of frantic energy, of mopping things up before the new year starts, of hoping to accomplish a gazillion things and only accomplishing a few.

I do, of course, understand the Reason for the Season, and I enjoy spending time with my family on the holidays, as well as quiet reflection on the blessings I have. But I can't get rid of the overall impression this time of year has always had on me.

For those of you not my friends on Facebook (are there any? Does anyone even read this anymore, what with my long absences?), here's the latest news:

I got a job as a free-lance writer for a web design company. It's part-time and allows me to work from home. Aside from the necessity of phoning clients during business hours, I have a very flexible schedule. It's the ideal job. I get to wrack my brains (and heat up the thesaurus) coming up with inviting text and keywords (to optimize search-engine searches, of course. Ha! Kind of a steep learning curve there.) for clients whose companies and services have never been the same twice. I know a lot more about private labeling of dietary supplements or what exactly a party bus is for, for instance, than I used to. I have been doing pretty well at it, figuring out how to organize myself to be efficient. All but one of my clients have liked me and my work.

The first couple weeks were quite stressful. It's not like I am taking something out of my duties; I am simply adding more to them. For a while I was walking around unconsciously wringing my hands and feeling my stomach churn in unpleasant rhythms, trying to prioritize work, kids, housework, cooking, church calling, etc., etc. It was a little overwhelming. Also, not having an office to go to is hard. I can close and lock the door when I need to make a phone call, but the kids find that an invitation to knock long and loudly if they need anything -- anything at all. I've had to explain to a couple clients that I work from home because of that. I wouldn't want them thinking I'm in a construction zone or that the boss is yelling at me and having a temper tantrum. Fortunately, those clients have been very understanding.

Other than the kids still getting used to me not being available all the time, I am very, very happy to have this job. We need the extra income and I can still be Mom.

I have been called as the 1st Counselor in our ward Relief Society. (The Relief Society is the LDS church's organization for women, and it's the largest women's organization in the world. Our motto is: Charity Never Faileth.) So far, I haven't had to be running here and there too much, but I have to get to know a new ward's worth of women and figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I have never served in a RS presidency before.

I burst a tire driving into a curb while successfully avoiding a collision and we spent some Christmas money on two new tires for the van. Merry Christmas to the van! No one was hurt, thankfully. Husband and I waited three hours for a tow-truck (we chose to call it a "date," since we got to sit and talk without any interruption whatsoever because the kids were safely and warmly with my parents and brother) and spent the weekend at my parents' house in the Big City because no tire stores were open by that point on Saturday night. I think that was the first time I've really thought of this house as HOME. It was nice to spend time at my parents' house (the kids were very happy about it, as it was the first home for most of them), but after a couple days without a change of clothes, deodorant, or a toothbrush, it was a relief to get home. Once we have a piano, I will never need to leave this house.

[Insert Murphy's Law jokes about extra money and cars suddenly needing fixing here:]

Monday, November 9, 2009

Shameless Choir Performance Plug

For the last nine weeks I have been attending rehearsals for a choir. This choir, 340+ women strong, will sing on November 28 on Temple Square in Salt Lake in the Tabernacle. Our songs have a Christmas theme and there will be bells and a harp accompanying, as well as that famous Tabernacle Organ.

Mostly I just love it because I love that sense of being part of something bigger than myself. I've always been a Big Picture Gal, and being one 2nd Alto among 340 women and hearing all the pieces and parts working together is magic. Plus, I love choirs because a person who does not have a solo voice (me) can still have all the fun of singing and performing.

I signed up to be in this choir sometime last spring, and by the time rehearsals started in September we had barely moved to a new city 45 miles away. Since the rehearsals happen to be in our old neighborhood (at my old Stake Center, no less!), the commute got a lot longer all of a sudden. The thing is, I wouldn't miss any rehearsal for any reason other than a dire emergency. Every Sunday night I drive into town, belting along with the practice CD. After the two-hour rehearsal, I visit my parents for a few minutes and then drive home, happy and full of the spirit.

Some of you may be familiar with Merilee Webb, the director of the choir. She was actually featured briefly in an issue of the LDS News. If you've ever had a chance to meet her or sing under her direction, you'll know that rehearsals are two parts singing to one part laughing so hard snot is coming out your nose. Last night we also made leis to wear in the concert. They involve a couple skeins of Fun Fur yarn, a McDonald's straw -- has to be from McDonald's! -- a ribbon and some tape. If anyone is interested, tell me and I'll buy cameral batteries (ha ha) and show you how. They're fun crafts for the kids.(Merilee spent years in Hawaii teaching at BYU-Hawaii and starts each rehearsal with a Hawaiian chant and a big "ALOHA!")

Just thought I'd share that. If you want to come, get free tickets online at www.lds.org/events. I'd love to see you there.